We all have things that scare us. For me, it is spiders, Others hate heights or commitment.'
There really isn't a difference between your fear of commitment and my fear of eight-legged bastards.
Let us take this a step further down the line. The fear of not having control or leadership. That's a big fuckin' problem, that fear.
This week has one of fearful experiences. Politics aside.
You see, I'm married to one of those 'essential' workers who had to work while not being paid. She couldn't take a sick day, not that she was sick, or she'd lose any money for leave.
Basically, my wife was held hostage by a terrorist organization led by Osama bin Ted Cruz and his cohorts and I had to deal with the fear of death each day at home.
Stress is an ugly bitch. It's like Phyllis Diller on a bad day without makeup and no sense of humor. Add undue stress to a woman in an already stressful job, the ugly intensifies. Then, bring that stress and ugliness home to a guy, oh, say me, who is doing everything possible to avoid added stress in order to stay out of jail, and you have a volatile mix of Crazy and fuckin' nuts.
Thanks to the great source in the heavens that saw fit to screw with the twisted minds of out lawmakers and put my wife back on payroll. And not just my wife... the hundreds of thousands of others who were feeling the same stress. My thoughts are with the spouses and families of those who had to look at this government shutdown ball of crap through a set of eyes in an entirely different way than those who now question their worth to the 'company' they work for.
My wife, she has twenty-five years of tenure. She may have well been a lackey in the mailroom on her first day. And, what am I able to say to her? Nothing. It's her entire life. The fucktards with no regard for others have struck a chord within the government sector and it's a B flat.
This will not happen again.
I hate spiders. Detest them. They make my skin crawl and the fact that, on average, a human swallows nine spiders in a lifetime freaks me out.
But, I'll boil spiders and eat them as soup rather than feel the fear I had when my wife was working, unpaid... slave labor... through this debacle.
I'll put her in a cage match with Boehner, Ted Cruz, Mitch McConnell and Obama any day. And I'll bet the ugly and stupid will come out bloody and bruised. My wife is neither ugly or stupid.
I'll also put her in a tub of pudding with Sarah Palin. But that's for another reason and I still think my wife would win. But, I'd pay any amount to see that bout.
Fear. An unreasonable reaction to a perceived situation in which you do have some control.
America. The epitome of Fear.
My wife. The freakin' Terminator. She'll be back.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Russia, I Love You Guys.
Dosvedanya, Comrades,
I use the Slavic, no, Russian wording because for some reason, unknown to me, Russians read this blog. Not only do they read my blog, they read it so often that they rank just below the U.S. in readership.
It's a bit of a mystery to me why this is. But, Holy Kremlin, I'm down with that. If my ramblings and rants made during times of mania and depression appeal to the ones who wear hats with earflaps, I'm groovy with it.
Actually, if my words help anyone, anywhere, I'm down with it. I just find it interesting that Russians find my writings read-worthy. I'm not complaining, no, no, no! I love all of my readers, whether they agree with me or not. My fingers are my voice and my voice is universal. I can't type in Mandarin or China would be better represented, although I do have readers in China.
I'm just a short, slightly disturbed survivor of bipolar disorder here in Bumfuck, Virginia, writing about things that annoy me and humor me. Hell, I make shit up sometimes when it comes to news stories. Inanity is my forte. However, the human experience is universal.
Jesus, or der haysoos de christos, as the Germans call him, once said, "How'd I get all this shit thrust upon me, big daddy?" Moments later, he had his answer and now has the coolest piercings ever given. Hand it to the Romans. I'll catch shit for that comment, but I thought it was funny. Think about it for a second and tell me you didn't smirk.
This world has become intolerable in many ways. Wars here, wars there. Corrupt politicians, greed.... and we haven't yet left the United States and it's need for dominance. The U.S. seems to think it has the biggest dick in a locker room full of porn stars. Nah, the U.S. is the midget porn actor on the world's porn channel. We have the smallest dick with the biggest debt in the world. This is our country, a laughing stock.
And now, a know-nothing party that has nothing at all to do with Tea, has been snookered by big business into shutting our country's government down solely for reasons of pride and prejudice. America is now a laughing stock. Our government held hostage by a few who do not like a few laws. The corporations are winning. Of course, with my resume, I could get a job within one of those corporations.... possibly be a bicycle runner or the guy who says 'Huh?' at every Monday team meeting.
I'm not American. I'm not a citizen. Neither are you. You're an employee who doesn't realize who pays your salary, when they want to. No wonder the Russians love my blog. I'm the epitome of the typical American. Sane in a crazy way. I'm no different than they are in their feelings about their government. The only difference is, their government shows up for work tomorrow. Of course, if they don't they're shot, but nevertheless....
I used to go to a Methodist church as a kid. In Sunday school, we'd read a little story then take some crayons, color a picture of a smiling Jesus or other revered figure, then cut the figure out and take it home to remember what we learned in that little class. Personally, I liked the projects where we had to glue things together... it made my day far more tolerable.... but this was a lesson.
No glue and no crayons, just words. Not even a book of stories. That's what our 'trusted' politicians use today. Words. And people believe what they hear and they love a charming smile. Apparently, some people like orange-skinned Speakers of he House too.
Bless ya, Russia. Thank you for harboring Snowden. Apparently, you're not the bad guys that Rocky IV made you out to be. And, if you have a topic you want me to tackle, name it.
Just know, I'm not good with snow and cold. But, I do dig vodka.
I use the Slavic, no, Russian wording because for some reason, unknown to me, Russians read this blog. Not only do they read my blog, they read it so often that they rank just below the U.S. in readership.
It's a bit of a mystery to me why this is. But, Holy Kremlin, I'm down with that. If my ramblings and rants made during times of mania and depression appeal to the ones who wear hats with earflaps, I'm groovy with it.
Actually, if my words help anyone, anywhere, I'm down with it. I just find it interesting that Russians find my writings read-worthy. I'm not complaining, no, no, no! I love all of my readers, whether they agree with me or not. My fingers are my voice and my voice is universal. I can't type in Mandarin or China would be better represented, although I do have readers in China.
I'm just a short, slightly disturbed survivor of bipolar disorder here in Bumfuck, Virginia, writing about things that annoy me and humor me. Hell, I make shit up sometimes when it comes to news stories. Inanity is my forte. However, the human experience is universal.
Jesus, or der haysoos de christos, as the Germans call him, once said, "How'd I get all this shit thrust upon me, big daddy?" Moments later, he had his answer and now has the coolest piercings ever given. Hand it to the Romans. I'll catch shit for that comment, but I thought it was funny. Think about it for a second and tell me you didn't smirk.
This world has become intolerable in many ways. Wars here, wars there. Corrupt politicians, greed.... and we haven't yet left the United States and it's need for dominance. The U.S. seems to think it has the biggest dick in a locker room full of porn stars. Nah, the U.S. is the midget porn actor on the world's porn channel. We have the smallest dick with the biggest debt in the world. This is our country, a laughing stock.
And now, a know-nothing party that has nothing at all to do with Tea, has been snookered by big business into shutting our country's government down solely for reasons of pride and prejudice. America is now a laughing stock. Our government held hostage by a few who do not like a few laws. The corporations are winning. Of course, with my resume, I could get a job within one of those corporations.... possibly be a bicycle runner or the guy who says 'Huh?' at every Monday team meeting.
I'm not American. I'm not a citizen. Neither are you. You're an employee who doesn't realize who pays your salary, when they want to. No wonder the Russians love my blog. I'm the epitome of the typical American. Sane in a crazy way. I'm no different than they are in their feelings about their government. The only difference is, their government shows up for work tomorrow. Of course, if they don't they're shot, but nevertheless....
I used to go to a Methodist church as a kid. In Sunday school, we'd read a little story then take some crayons, color a picture of a smiling Jesus or other revered figure, then cut the figure out and take it home to remember what we learned in that little class. Personally, I liked the projects where we had to glue things together... it made my day far more tolerable.... but this was a lesson.
No glue and no crayons, just words. Not even a book of stories. That's what our 'trusted' politicians use today. Words. And people believe what they hear and they love a charming smile. Apparently, some people like orange-skinned Speakers of he House too.
Bless ya, Russia. Thank you for harboring Snowden. Apparently, you're not the bad guys that Rocky IV made you out to be. And, if you have a topic you want me to tackle, name it.
Just know, I'm not good with snow and cold. But, I do dig vodka.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Yelps from the Closet: It's All Smart to Me. Really. No, REALLY.
Yelps from the Closet: It's All Smart to Me. Really. No, REALLY.: I promised myself that I wouldn't write about politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the mis...
It's All Smart to Me. Really. No, REALLY.
I promised myself that I wouldn't write about politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the misguided funding of the Obama Healthcare law. All of which are ridiculous in their own right.
So, keeping true to my word, I will not elaborate on the politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the misguided funding of the Obama Healthcare law. All of which are ridiculous in their own right.
Instead, there has been something gnawing at my brain like a gerbil chewing on a sunflower seed. Bling. Car bling. Today, I saw a car with eyelashes. Fucking eyelashes. Sure, it, was a SmartCar, but it looked like an idiot car. It looked like a whore car that you'd see at a garage late at night after one too many quarts of oil. In that case, that Smart Car would look good. It would look like a midget with big tits and soft hands.
But this isn't a car-driven world where that type thing is normal for most people. A few, yes, but they have their own web pages and they are quite disturbing.
On the road, cruising eastbound at 55mph, eyelashes flapping, a '67 Vette passes going westbound looks over and sees those eyes with those flappy lashes. That crisp, '67 Vette smirks and without a sputter says "pfffffyt....Smart, my ass, three-pronged whore."
Today, on a SmartCar I saw a decal that said 'Actual Size'. I have that same decal on my penis. I own a Harley that seats two people, has two saddlebags and a rear rack. So do most Smart Cars, except the saddlebags and rear rack come in the two front seats. Why? Why, oh why do people find these bastardizations of automobiles worthy of purchase?
Smart Cars aren't smart. They are death traps. You can't can't see them until they're under you. They should be made with small crucifixes as hood ornaments. Face it, have you ever seen anyone under 250 pounds driving one of these cars? They're not smart. A Volkswagen bus from the 60's is smarter. And cooler. You can light AND smoke a joint in a Volkswagen bus. In a Smart Car you can maybe fit a joint in the glove compartment. Even then, you have to light it with the positive and negative charges from your battery. Peace Out, dude.
And then, the *gulp* stick figure family. Let me gather myself......
What possesses you people to begin a family of sick stick figures on your window that includes dogs, cats, horses, pigs, mothers-in-law and other inherited family? I'm curious because I see it everywhere. It's as if the family stick figure is a symbol of solidarity.
Riddle me this. What if you're single? Or divorced? Or, better yet, like me, what if your kids disowned you. What kind of stick figures do you have on your rear window then? For me, in my case, two stick figure kids with their arms held high behind them, hand in a stop sign motion with me, my stick figure, standing there with 'WTF' over his head.
C'mon lets get creative with these things. Forget soccer balls and doggies and kitty cats and the nuclear family. Let's make stick figure window decals for the real world. How about a pregnant daughter stick figure? A strung out son stick figure? And while we're at it, forget the whole mini-van thing. Let's put these things on '69 Camaros and old Impalas. Station wagons and conversion vans with shag carpet.
This brings me to one more thing. The dudes who wear fingerless driving gloves. Not just any fingerless driving gloves, but mesh fingerless driving gloves.
Just this week, on my way to church (yeah, right), a dude in a Mustang passed me on the right doing, oh, 80, in a 60 zone. His Mustang wasn't just any Mustang, it was a piece of shit Mustang. BUT, this dude had on mesh driving gloves and his hair was quite coiffed. Who wears driving gloves? I'll tell you who wears driving gloves.... Formula 1 racers, NASCAR drivers and rich fuckers who tool around in Maybachs and Lamborghinis on the weekends for fun. Not some douchebag in a 2003 Mustang.
However, I'm sure that with his gloves and Members Only jacket, he's quite the eye candy at the local AC Moore Craft Store.
These are just a few of my favorite things. Like in the Sound of Music.
Smart Cars.
Dumbasses in driving gloves.
Stick figures.
This is our world.
This is How I see it.
My dog looks at me in strange ways with his paws outstretched as if he wants to help.
I think he knows what I know.
So, keeping true to my word, I will not elaborate on the politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the misguided funding of the Obama Healthcare law. All of which are ridiculous in their own right.
Instead, there has been something gnawing at my brain like a gerbil chewing on a sunflower seed. Bling. Car bling. Today, I saw a car with eyelashes. Fucking eyelashes. Sure, it, was a SmartCar, but it looked like an idiot car. It looked like a whore car that you'd see at a garage late at night after one too many quarts of oil. In that case, that Smart Car would look good. It would look like a midget with big tits and soft hands.
But this isn't a car-driven world where that type thing is normal for most people. A few, yes, but they have their own web pages and they are quite disturbing.
On the road, cruising eastbound at 55mph, eyelashes flapping, a '67 Vette passes going westbound looks over and sees those eyes with those flappy lashes. That crisp, '67 Vette smirks and without a sputter says "pfffffyt....Smart, my ass, three-pronged whore."
Today, on a SmartCar I saw a decal that said 'Actual Size'. I have that same decal on my penis. I own a Harley that seats two people, has two saddlebags and a rear rack. So do most Smart Cars, except the saddlebags and rear rack come in the two front seats. Why? Why, oh why do people find these bastardizations of automobiles worthy of purchase?
Smart Cars aren't smart. They are death traps. You can't can't see them until they're under you. They should be made with small crucifixes as hood ornaments. Face it, have you ever seen anyone under 250 pounds driving one of these cars? They're not smart. A Volkswagen bus from the 60's is smarter. And cooler. You can light AND smoke a joint in a Volkswagen bus. In a Smart Car you can maybe fit a joint in the glove compartment. Even then, you have to light it with the positive and negative charges from your battery. Peace Out, dude.
And then, the *gulp* stick figure family. Let me gather myself......
What possesses you people to begin a family of sick stick figures on your window that includes dogs, cats, horses, pigs, mothers-in-law and other inherited family? I'm curious because I see it everywhere. It's as if the family stick figure is a symbol of solidarity.
Riddle me this. What if you're single? Or divorced? Or, better yet, like me, what if your kids disowned you. What kind of stick figures do you have on your rear window then? For me, in my case, two stick figure kids with their arms held high behind them, hand in a stop sign motion with me, my stick figure, standing there with 'WTF' over his head.
C'mon lets get creative with these things. Forget soccer balls and doggies and kitty cats and the nuclear family. Let's make stick figure window decals for the real world. How about a pregnant daughter stick figure? A strung out son stick figure? And while we're at it, forget the whole mini-van thing. Let's put these things on '69 Camaros and old Impalas. Station wagons and conversion vans with shag carpet.
This brings me to one more thing. The dudes who wear fingerless driving gloves. Not just any fingerless driving gloves, but mesh fingerless driving gloves.
Just this week, on my way to church (yeah, right), a dude in a Mustang passed me on the right doing, oh, 80, in a 60 zone. His Mustang wasn't just any Mustang, it was a piece of shit Mustang. BUT, this dude had on mesh driving gloves and his hair was quite coiffed. Who wears driving gloves? I'll tell you who wears driving gloves.... Formula 1 racers, NASCAR drivers and rich fuckers who tool around in Maybachs and Lamborghinis on the weekends for fun. Not some douchebag in a 2003 Mustang.
However, I'm sure that with his gloves and Members Only jacket, he's quite the eye candy at the local AC Moore Craft Store.
These are just a few of my favorite things. Like in the Sound of Music.
Smart Cars.
Dumbasses in driving gloves.
Stick figures.
This is our world.
This is How I see it.
My dog looks at me in strange ways with his paws outstretched as if he wants to help.
I think he knows what I know.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Meeting Adjourned
"Meeting adjourned! Now, who's up for drinks and calamari at Capital Grille? Show of hands!"
Awkward pause......
"Ok, I count 17 on the left and.... 48.... uh, 50, 53, 54, 55 on the right. Capital Grille at 5pm. All in favor say "Yay!"
..... 'yeah, 'yay'.
"I didn't hear anyone! We just passed landmark legislation to shut down government and overwhelm our President! So, Capital Grille at 5! All in favor say 'Yay!'
... 'yay!'
"Okay then! The first round of Bloody Bama's and Oyster Rockefellers are on me! Let's Party! We're done here, fellas! We just saved America and the dumb bastards don't even know it! We are GODS!"
And so it was today as sequestration began. Republicans rejoiced as they rejoiced in their victory for the people of America. Although the people of America were not even on their minds, the sequester began for the ones hoping that the government would run out of money simply to prove a point.... a point meant to show a President that his solution to a problem that he inherited and has been trying rectify with the means at his disposal isn't good enough for the ones with their own agendas.
Solution: Shut it all down and make many more live unlivable.
It's now that I wish Abraham Lincoln and George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were around to up a boot up the asses of these government officials. It's about time for another civil war, for different reasons, this time to overthrow the dipshits in control of this country. I've seen better bartering at swap meets.
Yet tonight, there are oysters being slurped in congratulatory style. High fives being slapped over martinis and I'm sure a Cosmo or two. One or two are popping Viagra or Cialis in anticipation of a night of debauchery with their mistress or a hooker that we pay for with tax money while tomorrow the pink slips that are being printed tonight are making their way to offices nationwide.
No more National Parks for the tourists either. Sorry, guys. I'm glad I saw Gettysburg last week.
You blow donkey dicks, Congress. I disown you, much like my children disown me. Run to your banks and corporations who love you and fund you. Sooner or later, they'll be all you have because the millions of Americans you lie to will wake up, and your sorry asses will be here, with us, cowering for money from the very ones you cower to.
Bastards. Enjoy your Oysters.
Awkward pause......
"Ok, I count 17 on the left and.... 48.... uh, 50, 53, 54, 55 on the right. Capital Grille at 5pm. All in favor say "Yay!"
..... 'yeah, 'yay'.
"I didn't hear anyone! We just passed landmark legislation to shut down government and overwhelm our President! So, Capital Grille at 5! All in favor say 'Yay!'
... 'yay!'
"Okay then! The first round of Bloody Bama's and Oyster Rockefellers are on me! Let's Party! We're done here, fellas! We just saved America and the dumb bastards don't even know it! We are GODS!"
And so it was today as sequestration began. Republicans rejoiced as they rejoiced in their victory for the people of America. Although the people of America were not even on their minds, the sequester began for the ones hoping that the government would run out of money simply to prove a point.... a point meant to show a President that his solution to a problem that he inherited and has been trying rectify with the means at his disposal isn't good enough for the ones with their own agendas.
Solution: Shut it all down and make many more live unlivable.
It's now that I wish Abraham Lincoln and George Washington and Thomas Jefferson were around to up a boot up the asses of these government officials. It's about time for another civil war, for different reasons, this time to overthrow the dipshits in control of this country. I've seen better bartering at swap meets.
Yet tonight, there are oysters being slurped in congratulatory style. High fives being slapped over martinis and I'm sure a Cosmo or two. One or two are popping Viagra or Cialis in anticipation of a night of debauchery with their mistress or a hooker that we pay for with tax money while tomorrow the pink slips that are being printed tonight are making their way to offices nationwide.
No more National Parks for the tourists either. Sorry, guys. I'm glad I saw Gettysburg last week.
You blow donkey dicks, Congress. I disown you, much like my children disown me. Run to your banks and corporations who love you and fund you. Sooner or later, they'll be all you have because the millions of Americans you lie to will wake up, and your sorry asses will be here, with us, cowering for money from the very ones you cower to.
Bastards. Enjoy your Oysters.
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