Yesterday, as I was fingering through the Huffington Post app on my iPhone, I stumbled across an article detailing an unexpected and deadly suicide bombing in the vacation mecca of Iran. Ok, it wasn't really unexpected but it was deadly. At the time of writing, there had been 27 deaths confirmed. I'm not totally callous so I felt compassion for the families of those lost in the attack but as I continued to read the article I couldn't determine whether I should chuckle or rage at some of the details. Ultimately, I succumbed to both urges and belched a little in the process.
For those who didn't catch this tidbit mentioned on "Dance Your A@@ Off" or by Spencer Pratt prior to the series finale re-airing of "The Hills", here is the skinny. It begins in a familiar way.. dumbasses blowing themselves up and killing and maiming others in the name of peace but then the obvious chuckle-worthy absurdities emerge and blare to the world that there are some seriously skewed fucktards in this world.
A Sunni insurgent group said it carried out a double suicide bombing against a Shiite mosque in southeast Iran to avenge the execution of its leader, as Iranian authorities Friday said the death toll rose to 27 people, including members of the elite Revolutionary Guard.
--- Mundane enough. Just another Brian Williams and Katie Couric moment, right? But then, it begins to unravel ...
Shiite worshippers were attending ceremonies marking the birthday of the Prophet Muhammad's grandson, Hussein, when the first blast went off at the entrance of the mosque in the provincial capital Zahedan.
--- Ceremonies marking the birthday of the Prophet Muhammad's grandson, Hussein. Come again? No wonder these people are so pissy. Too much time with all of Mo's family. Good thing Jesus never had holy spawn (ahem) or Christians would never get away from the pews. No offense, Catholics. I imagine that today there is a ceremony marking the birth of Muhammad's gay second cousin, Gayssein, the creator of the burqua. Of course, that would help explain the next noteworthy mention in the article ....
The male bomber was disguised as a woman, local lawmaker Hossein Ali Shahriari told the ISNA news agency.
--- Alright. I am certainly not an authority on extremeist Islamic dogma. But, it seems to me that a male suicide bomber dressed as a woman might be considered to be a fundamental faux pax to Muhammad and his ilk. I imagine the two C-4-attired cherry bombs, undoubtedly named Muhammad and Mohammed floating to their promised land after their deed is complete, still in full burqua, support hose and undergarment finery from Aasera's Secret. I then imagine, with great glee, their bewildered expressions as they discover that, oops, their 72 virgins are male. Suddenly, that moment of Allah-inspired destruction seems quite regrettable as 71 black-haired virgins named Hakim, Raheem and, the like and yes, Muhommad, Mohammed and Muhammad Jr.and 1 bleach-blond virgin named Link stand in their glory before the two martyrs, offering a special group Big Bang with eternal explosions, all for a job well done.
But, it didn't stop there. No, it should have ended on that note becasue, well, it doesn't get much better than that. Au contraire, mon frere ... the kicker to the story came when a twisted pecker, appropriately dubbed Hossein Salami verbalized the following theory ....
"Iran accuses the United States and Britain of supporting Jundallah in a plot to weaken Tehran clerical leadership...... officials blamed them for the latest attack...."
Gen. Hossein Salami, deputy head of the Revolutionary Guard, told worshippers at the main weekly prayers in Tehran that the victims "were martyred by hands of mercenaries of the U.S. and U.K.
He was echoed by influential lawmaker Alaeddin Boroujerdi who said "America should be answerable for the terrorist incident in Zahedan."
---- Allllrighty then! Ummm, excuse me, Mr. Deli Meat, you may be one camel short of a pack. I can't speak for the U.K. but I can state with an abundance of certainty that the U.S. isn't to blame for your country's latest worldly shame. If you kept up with your Nightly News reports you'd recognize that if the U.S. wanted to weaken Iran's clerical leadership and commit an act of terrorism we'd do it the American way and send a gaggle of Catholic priests to defile your pre-pubescent martyrs or open a string of Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurants throughout Tehran to ensure public obesity and assured heart disease by viciously promoting Double-Down sandwich kebabs to your country's oppressed and misled populace.
Besides the obvious, we the people of the infidel American states pretty much can agree that although America is now a melting pot of races, religions, cultures and creeds, our nation was founded on Christian principles. Open your eyes, Mr. Bologna, no red-blooded American Christian is going to sacrifice himself, not with the suspense of who will be replacing Simon Cowell on "American Idol" and the possibility of the World Cup of Irrelevancy ... uh, soccer, coming to America still hanging out there.
Wise up, Oscar Meyer, accept that your fucktard religious beliefs and infighting as a result of those beliefs are the reason for the latest martyrdom-fest. If you must, feel free to blame Fred Phelps and his Westboro Baptist Church. Better yet, please recruit Fred Phelps and his extremist congregation to perform firther acts of martydom within your country. The American people and U.S. government will foot the bill for their airfare, room and board. And, to show that America believes in solidarity with your country, we'll even chip in $10 billion or so for burquas and garters.
It's the least we can do for you and our Peacekeeper, Fred.
These "Yelps" always have a funny angle and are somewhat like a tilted history lesson. Only the good Lord knows how these thoughts make their way into your head, and then to paper. But, I'm glad He does know because it's lots of entertainment for all of us who don't have an inkling as where to start with ideas/thoughts. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDelete