Friday, June 14, 2013

A Different Father's Day

So here we are. Wow, it's been nearly a month since I've put fingers to keys, so to speak.

I've felt the need to put my thoughts on this screen many a time within the past thirty or so days. Much has transpired. But for some reason or another, I haven't. I was tired, weak excuse. I was distracted by Candy Crush Saga, probable excuse. I was in trouble for over-imbibing, there ya go.

In any case, a lot has happened. My mind has been a whirlwind of emotion and continues to be so. Damn, life just can't let up, can it? It just can't give in for a day. And now, we are just three days away from Father's Day. Father's Day, the 2nd rate holiday as far as family holidays go. Even Hallmark seems to have looked at Father's Day and said, "Oops, oh shit, sperm came from somewhere... we'd better make a card."

Not that I'll get one of those cards. I don't really care at this point. My kids don't know the love they're missing out on. Their loss. What I do miss is shopping for a card for my dad. This is the first Father's Day I'll not be able to call him. Or text him. Or just listen to those awkward pauses on the phone.

But I'll always remember one thing. That one last time. That one last image of him standing there standing in front of his house and waving goodbye as I backed away to drive home last Thanksgiving. The last time I saw him. I remember his smiling.

I try to remember that it took me about thirty years to start to appreciate my dad's knowledge. I was young and stupid as opposed to now, when I'm older, a bit wiser but still stupid. And, I try my best to apply this bit of knowledge to my own kids and hope that they can appreciate that knowledge sooner than later. The difference is, I never discounted my dad's love. I always knew that my dad loved me. And, I always loved my dad. He wasn't a saint. He had a temper. He had his moments of irrationality.
None of us are perfect. But, he loved me unconditionally, and I knew it.

So, this Sunday, it will be like any other Sunday. I'll not receive a phone call from my children. They have a 'new' dad. A dad who gives them things. They'll give a nice card to him, smile, and go about their day, forgetting about the love of a parent that never goes away, despite death, divorce or circumstance. Maybe go out to lunch, whatever.

And, I'll not make a phone call for the first time in years. But I'll think about it. Many times. Then, I'll see my dad waving goodbye in front of the house, smiling.