Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Be not afraid ... Be not at all afraid...

I hate spiders. I really do. Spiders are the most repulsive creatures that ever emerged from a silken sac of love. Not only do I hate spiders but I fear them. I fear that they will emerge from their hellish homes behind my bed's headboard and scurry towards my slumbering body. Wait, there's more .... Once they see that I am positioned on my side, they will dart towards the one opening that beckons... my ear... and enter the cavernous confines of the ear canal to lay eggs ....

Once laid, the eggs grow and multiply until finally, they erupt into a flow of baby spiders that tickle my brain and scurry within my inner workings until they drive me insane ...

Now, there's an irrational fear. No matter that it really happened to me, I think ... It's irrational.

Extreme fears are fears that tend to be irrational and irrational fears are fears tend to be determiners of who we become.

Fear is natural. Fear is a survival instinct. but, fear should never define us. Fear of failure... fear of rejection... fear of hurt ... fear of being ridiculed.... Nah, these aren't natural fears. Basically, anything that another human can do to you shouldn't incite fear. I'm not talking about the gun that is being aimed at you... shit yeah, that causes fear... but the dumbass holding the gun isn't to be feared. Until the gun is fired, you are in control.

In one's life, everyone else holds the gun. A boss. A spouse. An ex. Kids. Cops. Government. Banks. Yourself.

Fear is the one thing that never loosens it's grip on any of us. I feared fingering the 'submit' button after writing a blog blasting my children for their uncaring, selfish nature that is based upon, what else? Fear.
Without fear, in a manic state, I dismissed a life of luxury in order to find comfort and, I found all I was wanting and needing but also found fear.
Yet, fear allowed me to find safety and acceptance. Fear is a companion. A companion that nurtures growth. It is how I face fear that determines who I become.

Fear is an ally and I can now use fear as a strength. I know my fears and my fears feed my strengths and my strengths cannot grow unless my fears grow as well. My fear of being alone feeds my appreciation of the love I have for family and Pam. My fear of being dismissed by my children fuels my drive to educate others about the horrors of bi-polar disorder. My fear of Jersey Shore feeds my letters of appreciation to the REELZ Channel for reruns of Cheers. The circle of Life.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that every individual has a fear ... no, many fears... rational and irrational. But, fears are not meant to stop thought and word and action... they are meant to cause thought and word and action...

We are born as individuals, to act as individuals.... to think and speak... to hurt and help ... to fear and grow.

Be you. No one else but you.

I fear no reprisals....

But, I still hate spiders.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

"Cut Me Mick! Cut Me!"

The 'Rocky' movies are the best. Not even Dino de Laurentis and his 'Ten Commandments' speak to the masses like a blow to the gut that Apollo Creed gives the Italian Stalllion.

I might be wrong, and I usually am, but I believe that it was during the sixth round of the epic fight between Rocky and Apollo Creed that Rocky suffered a blow to the head that drew blood. In the corner, Rocky implored his trainer, Mick, to cut his brow so that he could be bandaged and continue his fight.

"Cut me, Mick!," he implied. "Cut me!"

There was no turning back. Rocky had been beaten and pummeled to the point that he couldn't see the opponent standing before him, the very opponent wanting to send him to the canvas.

"Cut me, Mick!"

The canvas was the last thing that Rocky was concerned about seeing. Rocky wanted to see the eyes of the one who intended to put his body and soul on the canvas in defeat. Rocky didn't want to see the end of a fight, he wanted to see the beginning of his victory.

"Cut me, Mick!"

I'd like to alter the words of the Rock ...

"Cut me, Anna ..."
"Cut me, Avery ..."

I see the canvas that your blows to the head have sent me reeling toward .... and, well ....

..... your bitch-slaps to the head won't end this round in a TKO.

My gloves are off.

My mother has been in ICU for two weeks. A surgery that was meant to last 4 hours lasted 8 hours and a hospital stay of four days has become a two-week stay in ICU consisting of pneumonia, blood loss, ventilators and infection.

And, at no time, through any of this, have you, my children, my supposedly 'loving' children, made an effort to call, text or email their grandparents. No messages of love, support, encouragement ... nada.

It isn't because these bastians of society didn't know of their grandma's health. No, they did.
It wasn't because their grandparents overlooked them due to their parent's divorce ... they didn't.
It wasn't due to any lack of messaging that their family is in need of love and support at a time of need ...


These children are unfeeling, selfish, loveless bastards. Bastards bent on taking out their hatred of me for my own actions and extending that hatred of me to those who are innocent and loving towards them.

As one of my offspring said, "I have all the family I need, I don't need yours."

How does a parent react to such a statement? I'll tell you how this parent finally reacts to such a statement ...

Fuck you. You have no genes of mine. You think that you have disowned me. No, I disown you. What you have done to your grandparents, who are innocent, is inexcuseable. You will one day regret your actions and I will relish the day that you hurt due to your stupidity. Just don't contact me to ask for an ear to cry upon. My ears are closed. You are non-entities to me. Cry to your otherwise clueless relatives who have no sense of right and wrong. Idols of the world and the things material you value so much can always give you all you need. Notice, my tongue is in cheek.

Never, ever, expect me to be there for you. Your time is up and your message has been noted. No child of mine would ever be so heartless and uncaring. Where did you find your lack of soul? Nevermind... I know.. Tell your mom I said, "..." (Insert no words here)

"Body Blow"

Ok, so maybe I shouldn't be so harsh ... maybe i should accept your feelings of hurt and abandonment as a result of my leaving and divorce from your mother...

"Against the ropes.... "

No, not this time. I've done that enough. This is not about me... this about those closest to me who you feel you can hurt and therefor hurt me ... a low blow.

Rocky stood up and absorbed many more blows before finally accepting defeat in the original Rocky film. Yet, Rocky didn't lose, Rocky won by not losing, despite the brutal beating he endured. Swollen eyes, bloody lips and bruised ribs didn't deter Rocky from realizing his own strengths.

My mother will survive. My family will survive. I will survive.

Cut me, Mick.

Beware my right hook.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Book of Fred - From the Westboro Baptist Church

It was discovered that a sacred text was smuggled out from the holy of unholies, the Westboro Baptist Church. Not to be confused with the Book of Life that most zealots espouse as being worthy of upholding, the chapter and verse revered by the WBC is considerered true and verifiable by the members of the congregation who are, oddly enogh, also considered verifiable. The book of Fred reads as follows:

These are the acts of Jesus as exibited in the WBC Book of John... Chapter Eight, Verses 2-11

"And early in the morning He came again into the Temple seeing dissention and all the people came unto Him; and He sat down, ordered a plate of grits and crispy turkey bacon and proceeded to teach them the difference between those worthy of acceptance and those worthy of God's 'other' kind of love."

"And the scribes (liberal media) and Pharisees (democratic government) and Phelpsians brought unto Him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, after prying her lips from the phallus of a Wisconsin governor, They say unto Him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the Law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest Thou?
"This they said, tempting Him, that they might have to accuse Him."
"But Jesus stooped down, snickered, and with His finger wrote on the ground, as though He heard them not. You see, Jesus was disaccociated with such petty things. So when they continued asking Him, He lifted up Himself, and said unto them, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her". And again He stooped down, and wrote on the ground." Upon closer examination, it was seen that Jesus had written, "My daddy hates gays and really wants someone to hold mis-spelled picket signs."

"I'm not hearing anything" ... saieth the Lord. "You know why? Because, duh, I'm the only one without sin. I have first dibs, hand me a skimming stone, as they are best for skipping over the sinners."

"And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last and handed Jesus their stone. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst."
"When Jesus had lifted up Himself, and saw none but the woman, He said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?
"She said, No man, Lord."
"And Jesus said unto her, Well, I hold a rock which I earned for being without sin. I guess you're screwed." (John 8:2-11 WBCV)


I twisted the Bible verse no worse than the Westboro baptist Chruch twists the texts to suit their own purposes. These hate-filled espousers of faith and virtue have been granted the right to voice themselves despite the hurt and anger it causes those who it directly and indirectly affects.

Therefore, let me be the first, or thousandth, to invoke my right to freedom of speech and say that the Universe has a special place in a sucking black hole for those like Fred Phelps and his hypocritical ilk. I would never approach Freddy or his congregation with any intention of harm but I wouldn't cry if his God smote him in a fit of fury. I'd be first in line to picket and protest his funeral. Not because he was being buried, but because he was even concieved and doesn't deserve a plot of land in the earth that my feet trod upon.

I'm a bit perturbed by this man and his suckerfish ...