Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Flippety Flop

I learned a lot about myelf today. No, my newfound self-awareness has nothing to do with a third nipple, love of lubricants or other usual revelations...

Today I learned that I'm not such a bad father after all. Even after a few years of being dismissed by a child who views me as a man riddled with herpes-infested smallpox slowed by a brain full of unicorns and gauze due to guidance from one who harbors a bit of resentment .... I'm not such a douchebag after all.

And, despite my unwillingness to elaborate on that story due to legal ramifications, there is quite a lesson to be learned.

The following is a mockumentary self-help advertisement for you... and me... act now and I'll double my offer... whatever that is...


Have you recently done or said something that offended or embarrassed another?
Do you regret words spoken in jest? In anger?
Have you fallen due to inebriation?
Do you find it hard to get out of bed in the morning due to life regrets?

Well, NO MORE!

Now, you too can stand on your own two feet, one foot or clubbed fists and proclaim, "I'm Me and I'm Free!"

That's right. after today, your words and actions are nothing more than words and actions... you can claim them as your own and lose that regret.

Has this happened to you? You decide to tell your partner that you feel slighted by his or her inattention ... In response, you hear, "No, You're wrong to feel that way..."

Or... in a moment of heated discussion you express an opinion and hear, "You have no right to say that..."

Well, then this is for you. Act now and be set free from all of those self-limiting words. Call within the next 37 seconds and get not one, not two, but three times the self-awareness needed to be your own person.

Not good enough? OK! Then just call... anytime... and be set free from guilts placed on you from those who only need you for their own self-betterment. You're not a doormat and unless you have a foot fetish, you don't want to be walked on any longer. Right?

Are you a foot or are you a sock? The answer is, we are all feet. Yet, we allow socks to cover us and contain us and make us stinky. Do you want to be a stinky foot?  No! of course you dont! You want to be free, toes wiggling in the wind, unencumbered. You want to be held by nothing more than a flip-flop.

Not a sandal, but a flip-flop... because a sandal doesn't separate the wheat from the chaffe, the big from the small... but a flip flop maintains order in the foot world, just as life maintains order in your world.....

The lesson? Are you the big toe or the middle toe? We can't all be the big toe but we can all be part of the foot and without the middle toe then there is no need for the flip flop and without the flip-flp there is no casual beachwear and without no casual beachwear there is no appreciation for life and it's simple pleasures.


Ok, so I'm being a bit precocious. "What did you learn about yourself today?", you ask.

Much, I respond.

I need a pedicure.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Just a Thought ... or 12

God bless America. The rest of the world be damned.

America. Land of the free, home of the brave.

From noted poet Emma Lazarus’ “the New Colossus” which is engraved upon the Statue of Liberty,

With silent lips. "Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Or, “Fuck you, world, we have had enough.

“Take your weak, impoverished, unfed masses yearning to breathe freedom,

The wretched refuse of the Gulf Shore and those flown in from impoverished states,

The homeless, hungry and unclothed from Louisiana, Florida, Missouri and Nevada,

Send these, the homeless, tempest lost to me. To homes and jobs in Asia and other impoverished nationsd,

I lift my lamp to the the golden door, worth $1700 an ounce……..

Okie doke, so my ramblings are incoherent. Well, duh. No shit.

I’m a bit weary of the idea that I should love America.

Every day I hear and read comments from people that proclaim that “You should love America.” “America is a land of freedom.” “America is God’s chosen land.” “America will prevail through these uncertain times because, well, we are America….”

I say those are American angus bull chips with steaming green flies attached.

That’s a huge heapin’ pile of  bullshit to the everyday man in my book.

Let me elaborate a bit more, may I?

Nary a day goes by without my passing a dumbass in the left lane with a bumper sticker proclaiming the 2010 hopes of a McCain/Palin presidency. Usually on the bumper of a minivan plastered with ‘WWJD’ stickers and ‘My Kid is a future GOP voter’ placard..’

I’m patriotic to a point. I appreciate powder wigs, papyrus writings, knickers and human rights, I understand wool vests in the summer, killing pigs for dinner and holding parties for the hell of it.

But, tell me to love America, in this Day and age?....

Love? Really? America?

Know what I love? I love my parents. I love my soulmate. I love my sister, my kids, my penis and my ability to adapt to anything thrown at me. Oh yeah, I love porn and milkshakes.

Do I love my country? No. I appreciate my country, yes. Love, no.

Do I look at the men and women in our military as heroes who protect our country, no.

Do I consider these men and women as employees of a government with a bad business plan, yes.

Tell ya what, bring just a quarter, nay, a third, of the men and women who are ‘serving’ our country to the workforce while at the same time taking away the number of service men and women from the dumbass wars we are engaged in worldwide and let’s see how many lives will be enhanced on both sides of the equation.

I’m a bit weary of being told to look at a dead soldier, or thirty dead Navy SEALs, as a means to an end when countless thousands are dying without mention. If a Navy SEAL dies while on duty, well, big fuckin’ deal… that;’s what he signed up to do. Where’s the tax doillars going?

I don’t mean to sound heartless, but, yeah, whatever. We paid for that SEAL and we paid for that mission and well, we paid for that death. Get over it.

America, you should be ashamed. Not necessarily the people, but the leadership. America isn’t what the founding fathers imagined, no doubt.

Is America an Alien Nation or simply an alienation to other countries?

My opinion?

We’re just fucked.