Saturday, July 2, 2011

Yelps from the Closet: An Open Letter of Apology

Yelps from the Closet: An Open Letter of Apology: "I'm nothing if not human. That may be all that I am... at least to some... but I'm human at the least. A week or so ago I was able to spen..."

An Open Letter of Apology

I'm nothing if not human. That may be all that I am... at least to some... but I'm human at the least.

A week or so ago I was able to spend a couple of hours with my daughter and her new husband. Yes, husband.

Those who have followed my ramblings here might be surprised to hear that I reconnected with my daughter after the harsh words I'd written and the harsh words she'd spoken. Yet, here we were... face to face at a TGI Fridays at midnight... me, my daughter and her husband.

This isn't a blog to elaborate on what was said during that meeting. Yeah, I know that you want to hear the details. I'd want to hear the details as well... but, I made a promise not to blog about our conversation. I intend to keep that promise because I have waited far too long to reestablish a relationship with my daughter.

This blog is a humble apology. An apology to my daughter and to her husband that I had yet to meet when I last ranted about her marriage.

You see, as a human being, a father, a flawed yet caring man, I acted upon my own hurts and anger when I last wrote about my daughter and her being married without including me. Only natural, I believe, to feel hurt as a father who is excluded from such a momentous occasion in his only daughter's life.

No. I was wrong. I now see that my daughter is strong, resourceful and committed to a man who is flawed... much like me. I was remiss to say in my earlier blog that her marriage would never last. Now I know that whether it lasts or not, my daughter and new son-in-law are committed to each other and willing to endure hardship for not only each other but for an ideal that they both believe in.

So, I offer my apologies for the words condemning a union simply because I wasn't notified. I didn't give my daughter and her husband enough credit. Maybe I wasn't such a bad influence after all.

I wish only the best for her, and both of them.... and I'll be here when they need me.

Damn, this shoe leather is tough to swallow... but surely worth it....

Midgets, Laughs and Picking Your Nose With Your Tongue

I'm proud to be a heterosexual male with quasi-homoerotic-leaning tendencies to the left.... like a Leaning Tower of Penis....

Tonight I had a gourmet dinner with my bebe, her ex-husband, two yappy chihuahas, a rather slow-witted labrador retiever and four vocal and fun-loving lesbians.

Conversation centered upon sex, picking one's nose with her own tongue and a spirited dialogue involving midgets and dwarves. Somewhere in there was family talk... one guest elaborated on her mother's sexual prowess and suggested that my bebe's ex take advantage of his youthful appearance and placate momma's burning bush of desire.

You might say, "Sure, Jeff.... just another day in the life of one life yourself who courts dissention and bizarre experiences..."

Nay... Nay, I say. This was a night unlike any other. Tonight I fully grasped my lesbianism and my appreciation for love and acceptance. I also found a woman with a wit worthy, if not better, than my own.

A group of seven included myself and one other male... my bebe's ex-husband.... and four unadulterated, unabashedly, uncensored lesbians.

Conversation started innocently enough... "Hey, you ever been to the local Swingers club? Do they have people doing it on the tables?" The question was directed to Me and my bebe and her ex.... I suppose that because we all showed up together it was assumed we were into the swinging scene. Not the case.... ewww...

"Ya know, having sex seven times a day is normal for us....."

Well, duh. There are no penises involved.

"We've been together for five years...."
"My friends 'so and so' have been together for twenty-four years..."
"I am myself, she is herself and we are ourselves...."

Amid the laughter and potty humor, which I thoroughly enjoyed and participated in, I gained a new appreciation for humanity.

I witnessed the one seemingly insecure (or unsure) straight man in the group tighten his sphincter and withdraw as those secure with themselves caused me to laugh to the point of tears as they poked fun at themselves and accepted me without predjudice. And no, I wasn't the insecure straight man.... but, I did witness that man loosen his grip on his anus as he was pressed to be himself, just as those surrounding him had done years prior.

I love to make people laugh. I get a rush from making people laugh. Squirt a tear in laughter from something I say and I'm inclined to go on until you are dehydrated. Rarely does anyone elicit that response from me... it takes an aire of ego, self-confidence, self-awareness and love for self and others to properly elicit a laugh at ones own expense....

Tonight, I shed a tear in laughter and watched as those who are usually shunned by society did the same. I was then one with all... and I was part of their humanity as thyey were part of mine.

Too bad we can't all spend a night with robin, Lisa, Vic and Jen .... we'd all be better for the experience.

By the way, Vic has posted an ad on Craigslist in search of a midget without a lesbian bias. She only wants a midget to stand by and watch as she strips naked to A HA's 'Take on Me'.....

If interested, let me know....

America... Made of Nickels

I'm not an ungrateful person. I appreciate everything that I have, things that I lack and the wisdom to know the difference. I love my family, my woman, my dogs and my fully functioning 47-year old male anatomy.

I appreciate the fact that I can be full of shit and talk out of my ass with nary a squirt of dissention. I'm grateful that I've never been able to serve a minute in service of our country due to my being born with a single toxin-filtering kidney, yet, I appreciate those dual-filtered men and women who feel compelled to protect and serve this global space we call earth.

Yet ....

..... I'm beginning to not appreciate those who vowed to serve the people of this fine country... the country with a penis (Florida). C'mon, you can't disagree, Florida is shaped like a flaccid penis... appropriate given the median age of its male residents...

Just this week, Minnesota's government effectively said, "Fuck it! We're done!" and shut down. Why did they shut down?, you might ask. Well, because the partisans couldn't decide on a budget for the state.
For the uninitiated, "partisans" is greek for 'in-laws'. No one gets along, there is never an agreement and those second-removed and farther down the line of blood are screwed and have no input whatsoever.

No one ever thinks about the little, slow-witted nephew who needs a video game system replacement or the middle-aged woman with self-esteem issues who can't afford a labia-plumping surgery.

This is America, by God. This is the land that professes, "God Bless America," the rest of the world be damned. And, by God, America is not being blessed. Nope, America is reaping the spoils of it's own blessings by raping the very society which allowed America to prosper in the first place.

I'm not an economics genius but I can see the ramifications of a government's spending $3.7 TRILLION dollars on wars over the course of twelve years. Yeah, that's trillion, with a 'T'. What have we gotten from this un-godly expenditure? A few terrorists? A figurehead (bin Laden)? A wannabe dictator (Saddam)?

Nah, the enemy hasn't eluded us... the enemy is the loss of natural resources worth countless trillions...
Hear this... despite the enormous expenditures towards war and the "war or terrorism', the government is profiting, the rich are getting reicher and the people of America are being misled.

Beginning in January, 2012, the federal government (Caps omitted for sake of disrespect) will no longer offer extended unemployment benefits to Americans who have lost their jobs due to the dismal economy. An economy that has been created by the very partisan dissention that has caused a government shutdown in Minnesota.

The only reason that a federal government shutdown was averted earlier this year is due to the enormous amount of revenue that would be lost due to American citizen's reliance on national Parks, Tourism, Mail service and other money-making ventures.

Yeah, yeah.... this isn't my normal spiel.... but I am an anger-driven speculator. The shutdown of the Minnesota government due to parties being unable to agree on a budget is such a slap in the face to America that Minnesota's entire legislative branch should take a cue from Brett Favre and simply fade into oblivion.

Let's re-visit that $3.7 TRILLION dollar expenditure that our federal government has deemed necessary to protect the interest of the American people. Who feels safer? Show of hands? Bueller? Bueller?

Unless the governments of Afghanistan, Libya, Iraq and Iran are withholding funds meant to be disseminated to me and the rest of the American public, I don't give two flying shits and a piece of driftwood about the 'wars' in those countries. The real 'war' is economic and we are losing. America is broke and on the verge of bankruptcy and those in 'the know' don't care.

Yeah, I'm a bit perturbed. I'm a bit miffed at being taken for a ride on the Tilt-a-Whirl when I was promised an easy-going spin on the carousel.

You should be a bit crapped-out as well. Do you have a job? Do you know someone who is struggling to survive in this economy? Seems the only job with security is one within the U.S. military.

Unfortunately for me, a one-kidneyed 47-year old skewed-minded man with purpose and insight stands no chance.

Good luck... the ticker just topped $3.85 Trillion.