Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Flippety Flop

I learned a lot about myelf today. No, my newfound self-awareness has nothing to do with a third nipple, love of lubricants or other usual revelations...

Today I learned that I'm not such a bad father after all. Even after a few years of being dismissed by a child who views me as a man riddled with herpes-infested smallpox slowed by a brain full of unicorns and gauze due to guidance from one who harbors a bit of resentment .... I'm not such a douchebag after all.

And, despite my unwillingness to elaborate on that story due to legal ramifications, there is quite a lesson to be learned.

The following is a mockumentary self-help advertisement for you... and me... act now and I'll double my offer... whatever that is...


Have you recently done or said something that offended or embarrassed another?
Do you regret words spoken in jest? In anger?
Have you fallen due to inebriation?
Do you find it hard to get out of bed in the morning due to life regrets?

Well, NO MORE!

Now, you too can stand on your own two feet, one foot or clubbed fists and proclaim, "I'm Me and I'm Free!"

That's right. after today, your words and actions are nothing more than words and actions... you can claim them as your own and lose that regret.

Has this happened to you? You decide to tell your partner that you feel slighted by his or her inattention ... In response, you hear, "No, You're wrong to feel that way..."

Or... in a moment of heated discussion you express an opinion and hear, "You have no right to say that..."

Well, then this is for you. Act now and be set free from all of those self-limiting words. Call within the next 37 seconds and get not one, not two, but three times the self-awareness needed to be your own person.

Not good enough? OK! Then just call... anytime... and be set free from guilts placed on you from those who only need you for their own self-betterment. You're not a doormat and unless you have a foot fetish, you don't want to be walked on any longer. Right?

Are you a foot or are you a sock? The answer is, we are all feet. Yet, we allow socks to cover us and contain us and make us stinky. Do you want to be a stinky foot?  No! of course you dont! You want to be free, toes wiggling in the wind, unencumbered. You want to be held by nothing more than a flip-flop.

Not a sandal, but a flip-flop... because a sandal doesn't separate the wheat from the chaffe, the big from the small... but a flip flop maintains order in the foot world, just as life maintains order in your world.....

The lesson? Are you the big toe or the middle toe? We can't all be the big toe but we can all be part of the foot and without the middle toe then there is no need for the flip flop and without the flip-flp there is no casual beachwear and without no casual beachwear there is no appreciation for life and it's simple pleasures.


Ok, so I'm being a bit precocious. "What did you learn about yourself today?", you ask.

Much, I respond.

I need a pedicure.

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