Tuesday, June 12, 2012

What a Day, Eh?


"What? C'mon! Are you a pussy?"

The words are etched into my brain. Not because I was berated myself but because I actually uttered these words to my then fourteen-year-old son as I proudly brandished my newly purchased 16-inch Bowie knife.

"C'mon, just hold it. It's cool!"

But it was the sentence before that remains etched into his brain as the defining characteristic of the father he didn't know anymore.

I often write, joke and bandy about the condition rambling around in my head. Bi-Polar, Manic-depression, whatever you want to call it. I usually try to justify each and every past action in my life that resulted in consequences that haunt me based upon my condition. Sure, I still have no clue why I was tossed out of one establishment, punched a wall and to this day have a broken finger. I understand that high doses of anti-depressants mixed with alcohol can have a quite humbling effect in the morning when you wake up on the floor of a jail cell in a bright orange suit and some dude staring at you like the next meal.

But, there is only one instance that replays in my mind as the one in which I lost my best friend, my best buddy, my son. "What? C'mon! Are you a pussy?"

Today I went, alone, to my son's high school graduation ceremony. He had no idea that I was there or was even going to be there. In fact, I labored over the idea of going at all. My son has no interest in me, in having a relationship with me or at the very least returning a text. In my eyes, my son, my former best friend, hates me with a passion... a passion fueled by both a condition he doesn't understand (nor do I, entirely), and a former family that views me as a hindrance.

As I sat in the auditorium, just three rows behind my former wife, her family, my daughter and newcomers to the brood, I didn't feel anger or resentment. Even I was shocked at that revelation. What I felt was remorse at alienating a boy without having any idea that I'd even done so.

I read emails each day from people who also suffer from bi-polar disorder and I get angry at the 'poor pitiful me' 'boo-hoo' attitudes that most bring to a wide audience. Know what? Grow a pair and deal with it. I understand it's difficult. Most days, I regret at least one thing I've said or done during the day. Depression is as defeating as mania is elating. The difference is that mania brings on the 'I'm invincible, I can do, say or act as I please... damn the consequences' mindset. This is where I was when I uttered "What? C'mon! Are you a pussy?" to my son.

I can't take the words back. Nor can I take back the tear I shed when his name was called and he crossed the stage to be handed his diploma. For the first fourteen years of his life, I helped mold him into the man he is today. And even the sentence I uttered some four years ago that is etched into his brain has made him stronger in some way, even at the expense of our relationship. But, I can't help but wonder where we would be if my mouth, mind and actions didn't succumb to the mania within me.

Congratulations on your graduation, Avery. I hope that one day you'll see that I'm not the monster I'm portrayed to be by others and that a brief moment in time, be it days, weeks or months, doesn't erase the bond that you and I once shared and hopefully will one day regain.

You're my best buddy. I'm always here for you. No matter what. Love ya, man.

8 comments:

  1. Very insigthful on your part, Jeffrey. Interesting to read how you are taking ownership up until the next to last paragraph where you wrote, "I am not the monster Im portrayed to be by others". Key word being "others". "Others" did not contribute to how your son feels about you as his father....rather YOU did that to yourself. Your actions, words and choices (medically imposed or elective) are the root cause of the damage and hurt that YOU caused your son. You succeeded on your own, not with anyone else working against you. Your revelation here would have been applauded and even respected had you accepted responsibility through the end, but as you continue to do, you deflect the consequences of your actions onto others. I would place this (based solely on your ending) on the Bestseller list as "fiction". For your pride, I hope that one of your 8 followers gives you the sympathy and support you are so deperately craving.

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    1. Very well said! I agree completely anonymous!!!

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  2. Wow, Anonymous 6/12/12, I guess it's easy to be so nasty when you can hide behind the no-name moniker. Come back when you can drop the cowardly disguise and maybe your remarks would mean something.

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  3. Double wow! Comments and opinions do not need a face or name to validate truth. In the world that you live in, i guess that level of response is to be expected. I remain anonymous regardless of your "strong" misguided beliefs, "faith" and opinions. You are a great example for others.

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  4. Whatever happened to forgiveness ? And, whatever happened to forgiveness ? I am so glad Jeff was able to go to Avery's graduation, and am proud of him for showing his his thoughts/feelings/love in the above blog. I have an idea as to the identity of "Anonymous" and that is a really sad person. Maybe some day Gramps and I will be able to fully understand why "others" chose to pull Anna and Avery from us. Thanks, Kelly...you did good !!!

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  5. Hello there, faceless, clueless Anonymous. You have completely and unequivocally missed the point of this blog and blurted out words and ideas showing quite clearly that you have no idea not only what you're talking about but what I'm trying to convey. This post was meant as an admission of wrongdoing by me at a time when I had no idea what that wrongdoing was and no idea why it was wrong in the first place. You obviously have no clue as to the mind, actions, thoughts and challenges that I face. Granted, none of us are perfect, except for you, apparently. However, until you have walked one foot in my shoes, much less a mile, reserve your judgement for those in your own circle of hypocrisy. Otherwise, accept that you can read anything into a single word in a post, a word such as 'others', for instance and draw whatever conclusion makes you feel justified in your misguided judgement. If that doesn't work, then just shut the fuck up and stew in your own self-righteousness. By the way, thatnks for the comment. It further justifies my intent to continue writing. You scamp, you.

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  6. As a *truly* anonymous poster (that is, one with no personal holier-than-thou motive) I say Jeffery, write on!

    What you posted was therapeutic, not to the clearly 'righteous' among you, but to YOU. And that's all that matters.

    (Lord knows we all need therapy)

    I'm a father too and have done so many stupid things that I look back on and kick myself over. But the key is to recognize and realize when we blow it, and while you can't go back, you can go forward having learned from past mistakes. It's about bettering yourself (and your post shows your motive).

    It's clear that the first comment above was from someone who has the delusion that they are 'above' you in some way, and think that they have some right to stand in judgement over you and your life (likely they think their 'faith' gives them this right, which is a shame)...

    ...And unfortunately those that stand in this 'high' place can easily paint a negative image, about you -- or anyone they deem lower than themselves -- to a kid. And the image they paint may be accurate in some senses, but that's not their job. It shows their arrogance and pride. It's manipulative. And as equally damaging to a kid as the "C'mon! Are you a a pussy" type of comment.

    So, really, no one wins here. The same vicious circle.

    You obviously still have much love for your son, and I believe that love will be realized some day in some way between you two -- as long as you continue to care.

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  7. Just curious, anonymous #3, to which anonymous do you completely agree?

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