Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Never... Never would I have thought this.

I'd add audio to this post if I was able. Not to let anyone hear my voice or my words but to let everyone hear the snorts and snores of the lady who is beside me as I write this. Her snores...her breaths...her slumbering snorts...all music to my ears.

As sweet and musical as this may sound, i'm sure to offend at least two to seven people who may read this blog. You see, as I glance to my left, admire the open mouth of the one I love and simultaneously use the 'up' volume button on the remote control while I watch 'American Pickers' on the History Channel, I have experienced something I never thought I'd ever experience again. A feeling I thought I'd buried under years of hurt....

I look at this woman, my wife of almost one year, a woman who has endured her own parental hardships and continues to do so.... and I regret.........

I regret.....

I regret that I'll never have a child with her that is our own.

Yeah, I said it. i can't believe it myself. Maybe it's due to our spending time in a doctor's office today as younger women and men without a clue of what's to come filed in two by two to have an ultrasound and marvel at the creature that was growing within...

Or, maybe it is because my love for this woman exceeds anything I've ever experienced. That's not to take anything away from the two children I had with my other wife. I do love them and want to have them love me too...

But, I wonder.... what would my children with Pam be like? Tall, like her? Short, like me? Smart, like both of us? Screwed in the head like me or rational and realistic like Pam?

I never once considered being a parent again. After all, I'm already a parent, whether my own kids recognize it or not.

But, for a moment, a moment that I now continue to remember, I wonder.... what would our children be like? You see, Pam can't conceive anymore, despite my efforts to fertilize.

But, I glance to my left. And, as she sleeps, I picture her as a mother of my children. Would those children be different than those she has? Than those I have? Absolutely. They'd be our children and they'd be perfect and certainly well-versed in the workings of the real world.

Would I drive a mini-van?... Uh, No. Not on your fuckin' life. We'd have a side car on the Harley and a double harness belt in the convertible. But, we'd be good parents, no matter the race and ethnicity of the baby that popped out.

I love my wife. Yeah, I'm soft like that. And, I'm conjuring visions of parenthood with my wife despite the hatred my own children exhibit towards me.

If that doesn't scream 'Love'. then what does? A forty-eight year old man with two unloving kids, married to a woman with two kids who consider me an afterthought, yet wondering what life as a father with this woman would be like.

Life would be complete.

That's the great thing about life and the mind. It takes you everywhere you were, are and will possibly go.

Again, I look to my left. 'Snort.

Love is grand/ Truly.


  1. Love is wondrous no matter what stage of life it shows up in...I am happy for you and I know you two will share that love for a lifetime or more...xoxo

  2. I've read this blog several times, have started to comment each time, and didn't, until now. I've been fortunate to have spent time with you and Pam and I've seen the loving relationship you have, and it definitely goes both ways. That's wonderful.

    The children you have and Pam's children are all beautiful/handsome, talented and intelligent. There's much more I could say to describe them, but what I really want to say is I think this time is to be used for a special relationship between you and Pam. You both deserve to spend the years to come having fun and loving each other. Take advantage of each day and let's hope and pray the rough times are now understood and are under control.
    Love to you both.............Granny