Hello world. It's nice to be back... sorta. My life as a seemingly normal individual has been at the forefront while I shove the dark side aside, or behind, as I attempt to live life as a moralized, humanized, domesticated human being.
.... and the crowd went silent.....
The crowd is composed of the noises, voices and thoughts that bombard my mind. Then, I relay those voices as thoughts, both good and bad, verbally to those I feel are within earshot and worthy of either humbling or praise. Hey, I'm not judgemental, what can I say. If I wanted my voices to be judgemental I'd have named them after parishioners of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Yet, I'm here again. I've been purposely not writing. Yeah, purposely. Ask me why.... "Why? Jeff, oh why?..." you ask...
Well, a couple of reasons. A). I've been a good boy. and 2). I'm only writing when I feel the inspiration to write. Picture yourself after a big breakfast of eggs, bacon, grits and black coffee... suddenly, *KaBlam* mr. tummy provides inspiration to run from the table and, well, provide a sacrifice. That's how I write, except I haven't had much bacon and eggs lately. Mostly tofu and Triscuits.
In any case, there is a point to this posting. A point that surely will upset those looking for a rant from me. Hell, I don't rant anyway, I 'express'. Like anal glands during a rectal exam, I express... get the stank out.... But this isn't an expression.
I'm happy. Yeah, fuck you too. I said 'Happy'. I know, I know, 'happy' isn't the same as 'joy'. I've had Joy since I met my soulmate but happiness has been elusive. And there's many reasons I'm happy. Let me expound... if I bore you, read on...
One, I'm happy with myself. I'm finally in a place of self-acceptance despite my flaws. That's fuckin' tough for me so if you call me a wimp for getting to this point, well, fuck you and try to ive through my last five years.
B). Although my daughter still hates me, she did send me an abusive email telling me why she hates me.
3). I hugged my son for the first time in five years.
4). I recognize that I'm needed by those who aren't connected to me by DNA, marriage vows or my ability to spout random trivia.
D). I have underwear with holes in places that now qualify them as sexual fetish wear.
11). I'm with a woman who not only loves and accepts me as I am but also wants me to stay crazy.
Ok, so one of the aforementioned is a little nuts. I'll leave it to you, the reader, to discern which is which. I guarantee that no one will agree with me as to which brings me the most happiness.
But hey, does that really matter? I'm just as nuckin' futs as you are and vice versa. I just accept it and am proud of who I am. it's taken a long, long time to be able to do that. I've blamed everyone from my ex to myself to the Loudoun County Sheriff's Department to my kids.... there is no one to blame, only those to offer my hand to shake and say, 'Mucho Grassyass'... 'You made me who I am and I've done something positive for you as well (except for the sheriff's department. That' wasn't mutually life-enhancing).
It feels good to write again. I'm ready to finish my book, tell my story and help others. Yeah, you heard that right. The ranter wants to help. And I know that I can help. Because, like you, I have a story that most haven't heard with situations that most haven't encountered and outcomes that most can't comprehend.
That's why I write.
That's why I'm Back.
That, and I just can't sleep without Klonopin.
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