Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Lost Books of The Bible

These previously unknown versions of our sacred texts was recently discovered in a tenement in Brooklyn, NY. It is believed that the texts were carried, probably via a winged and four-wheeled vehicle known as the DeVille, from the inner sanctums of Harlem, NY in the early or mid 1970’s, AD. I cannot verify nor certify its’ authenticity.

Book of Tyrone – circa 1973

…. and Tyrone be dope. Tyrone had the respect of all bitches and ho’s in the land of Harlem. Upon hearing his calling from “The Man,” the Great Master, Tyrone took his mighty staff and waved it proudly before the masses and declared “Yo! Behold what the Massa has blessed my bad ass wit! Y’all muthasfuckas best be hearin’ what I’m sayin’ or da shit’s gonna be all up in this piece!”

It was then that “The Man” spoke to Tyrone, saying, “ Ty, be not haughty nor ubiquitous. The people will listen. The people will respect your sensitivity.”

Upon hearing what “The Man” said, Tyrone responded to His Master saying, “Huh? Whatchoo be talkin’ ‘bout man? What da fuck do ‘haughty’ mean anyway? You told me to wave my staff in front of the bitches and tell ‘em to let my peoples go and that is what I be doin’. Lemme do my shit and we gonna be in Manhattan sellin’ Gucci purses with the Socialites in the MuthaLand!”

The Great Master responded to Tyrone, saying “Ty, I meant wave the rod, the WOODEN rod I provided you with, to the masses, and command it to become a snake.”

This being said, Tyrone confronted the Great Master with a smile, looked towards the heavens, winked to the Ho’s, and said “Yo, Massa Man, I think the masses love the snake but the rod does get the bitches respect …..”

Book of Leon – circa 1971

In the beginning there was “The Man” and The Man was Good. And The Man was white. And The Man said, “Let there be Light!” and there was light. The Man then said, “Let there be Dirt” and there was dirt. The Man went on, saying, “Let there be Life,” and all these tiny little tadpole like muthas started crawlin’ around. WHITE tadpoles! And The Man said “this is good, but it isn’t THAT good, yet. So, let there be soul!” And there was soul. And Soul’s name was Leon. And The Man loved Leon because he was just one brutha on His beautiful creation. But Leon was squirmy and edgy, and The Man noticed. And Leon was down with eating the animals and plants that The Man had provided. But the day arrived when Leon said, “Yo, Man, I’m down with eatin’ yak, possum and sometimes a chicken, but yo, Dude, throw a brutha a bone and gimme some Pussy to eat!” So, The Man, hearing His creation’s desperate cry took 3 inches of Leon’s meatpole and created woman, whom he named Shaniqua. And Shaniqua had booty. And booty held the answers to life’s mysteries. But Shaniqua began to challenge Leon’s shit and thus was born the “Bob and Weave” head motion.

Leon, knowing his main Man had his back, said, “Yo Yo Yo, MAN, what da fuck you take three inches of my dick fo? Now all I got is a 9 inch dick and a ho that bitches!”

The Man, seeing Leon’s displeasure, sent to His creation a new plant, aptly named cannabis, which even today is used to sustain life in The Man’s Hood.

Book of Albert – circa 1972

“Hey! Hey Hey!” Albert droned to The Man ….. Soon after, The Man killed Albert, a portly prophet, with a Steak Burrito smothered in salsa and manna and the universe was left to evolve under The Man’s tutelage until Albert would be raised animated syndication in the late 1990’s, through technology known as cinema, to less than enthused masses.

Note: The preceding texts have been provided by various highly-regarded scholars and creationists such as Jesse “jesus” Jackson, Al Sharpton *name patented and trademarked under US statute *Jesus was an oppressed Black Man So Pay Me my Reparations Dammit*, Spike Lee and Bob Saget. Yes, Bob Saget.

All references to “The Man,” “Great Master,” and “Leon” have been graciously supplied by Jews for Jerome and the Jesus Was a Brutha Foundation.

Any relation to persons living, dead, raised from the dead or yet to be born is completely coincidental and unintended. Word.”

No comments:

Post a Comment