Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Thou Shalt Laugh, Dammit, By God

I believe I’ve stated once or twice or a thousand times that I find humor in everything. I once decided that there is not a single thing on the face of this planet that can’t have at least one humorous quality attributed to it. That goes for events as well as objects. We just so happen to live in a time in history that affords us the ability to know virtually everything that is happening on the planet and that makes for a bottomless bucket of hilarity. God, the Great Spirit, the Divine Energy, whatever you choose to call our spiritual life force has given each of us a sense of humor and I believe that tapping into that sense of humor is a vital tool for surviving a lot of this hell on earth that we must endure.

Yes, God has a sense of humor and I’m certain that at many points throughout history God has looked down upon his dour creation while snickering or laughing, seen politically correct asses ‘seriousizing’ everything and uttered the holiest of phrases, ‘Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke.” Hey, if the Divine said it then I’m safe with my take on life’s tragedies, right?

“I truly believe that God has one hell of a sense of humor and that He has passed it along to his peeps (us) on this big round ball as well as to all the bug-eyed aliens living out there in that vast candy-coated Milky Way. I’m still holding out hope that the hot alien green chick from Star Trek (t-r-E-k, not t-r-A-k) will land on earth with directions to the LemmeDooYa galaxy and her home planet of Howm Ay I Plee Zha. Think about the things in nature that cause us to grin, chuckle, laugh, snort, guffaw, and blow a booger out the nose during a pee-worthy belly-laugh. Sure, there’s the obvious … like William Hung singing “She Bangs” (God Bless You Hung-ster!) and men whose hair snaps into place on their scalps, but then there are the not-so-obvious things. These are the ones that grab ya by the balls (short hairs for the ladies), twist and cause you to release a most foul, unpleasant odor at just the wrong time.

Example, you ask? Ok. OJ Simpson. Yeah, the Juice. That beautiful, swift, Heisman-winning black mofo who allegedly nicked his wife and a friend to bits with a Buck knife several years ago. I still don’t believe that one. I mean, he was funny as hell in “Naked Gun.” Anyone that good and funny can’t slice up a couple of people, lose a glove and allow Kato Kaelyn to live in his house. Right? Anyway, that’s not the funny part. No way. The funny part is that this man, once the toast of Buffalo (whoop de doo, Buffalo?) is now facing multiple years in prison for … get this … stealing his own shit! Now that’s some irony right there. God is up there, iTunes blasting “I Gotcha” by Joe Tex through his earbuds, looking down at that knappy head and laughing his holy ass off. Gotcha, OJ. Ha! Now THAT’S funny. Arrested for stealing your own memorabilia, at gunpoint. Think about it, all of the memorabilia that used to ensure he would get a piece of ass now is his guaranteed ticket to BE a piece of ass to Tiny and the boys in Cell Block C. Tell me God doesn’t have a sense of humor! Another example, you ask? Ok. Sure. This might look obvious but it really isn’t. .. Britney Spears. Paris Hilton. Nicole Ritchie. Lindsay Lohan. Ok… take a moment to think of your own jokes ….. …… lalallalalala…. Done yet? Ok. So, we have a nasally, lip-synching, pantyless drunk, …. a skinny, self-proclaimed “hot” socialite drunk,… a very fortunate adopted yet clueless and pregnant figurehead for interracial marriage (the reason she’s a drunk) and Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan, enough said. The poster child for Fucked Up. There is not enough room on the billboards for all of her “ism’s”.How is this funny? Why is God humoring us with these talented, caring, intelligent pillars of the community? Need I say more? He’s laughing at us. He’s laughing at us while we are looking at these fine female role models and shaking our heads at them while we flip from E to ET on the tube. WE are what’s funny because we can’t look away. Like the train wreck we slow down to look at or the woman slowly undressing in the window across the street… hold on a sec…… be right back ….. yeah, like those things, we can’t look away. God made us to be able to laugh at ourselves and he put people like Britney, Paris and the like here to point out to us that we are funny creatures! Oh, and today I was in Lord & Taylor department store. I was walking through women’s shoes since I like pumps (hehehe) and what do I see but a Muslim lady dressed head to toe in a burka, face covered too, could barely see her eyes. The outfit trailed behind her as she walked and not a stitch of clothing or footwear showed. She was examining a pair of very expensive women’s dress shoes. Now THAT’S funny.”

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