Saturday, December 18, 2010

Don't Read - This Is For Pam - Really, You Won't Get It

….. and “…..” there was a noiseless Big Bang. Noiseless, because in space there is a vacuum and as such there is no sound. But, for sake of argument, there was a Big Bang… a beginning of all that is known.

But what do we know? Before the Big Bang there was an immense energy, a galactic soul that was growing, thriving, unknown and yet confined. Within that growing mass of energy, that soul, were countless billions of souls that were unique, yet connected… Souls borne of a single, simple purpose.. to venture into the universe and experience an existence unencumbered..

And then, pffft… at least in the vacuum … but for effect, there was a million-megaton explosion that rocked the cosmos. And the countless souls scattered … the connected souls parted and ventured into the great unknown at lightyear speeds with no known destination, like a Mexican crossing the Rio Grande.

Fast forward to the present day … to a soul limited by a calendar it is a time billions of years later. Maybe more, maybe less, but unimaginable nonetheless. It’s a long freakin’ time ….

A billion years is but a tic of the second hand on the Atomic Clock. Billions of souls connected by nothing more than shared energy and a desire to separate from the throng are still connected and each a part of the countless billions … Work with me here , I can elaborate later.

But imagine a soul that was torn in half by that noiseless act of creation…. And imagine that that soul meandered through eons of lives not being able to experience wholeness. Imagine the vastness of space standing between the human comprehension of the eons between the Big Noiseless Bang and Right Now and imagine that that span of time is the hole in self… what you are missing in yourself.

That is me. That WAS me … until August 28th, 2007. That is the day that I reconciled with the Big Vacuum Bang… again. Eons, millions, billions, gazillions of years later my minute speck of energy was drawn to a glaring beacon. That beacon was the part of my soul that had been lost at that moment of cosmic explosion. The vast emptiness of space I’d held and tried to plug with vices, experiences, more vices, a few more vices, money, a couple more vices, you get the idea… that emptiness was filled in a moment that consisted of a glance, a smile and acceptance.

Imagine, if you will, storming the beaches of Normandy on D-Day … utter chaos. As you jump from the perceived safety of your boat you encounter a barrage of shells, one of which lands at your feet and separates your legs from your torso… yet you live. Then, imagine that you are carried to safety, able to survive, yet now contemplate a future being unable to live fully without legs.

Now, wake up. An individual is able to live a fulfilling life without limbs. The legless veteran is fortunate to be alive. The soul parted from self is destined to die. A limbless body is just a body … yeah?

August, 2007 is when the Big Bang surgeons saved me from death due to cosmic shelling. To be able to recognize the connection that my incomplete soul has with its missing ¾ is not lost on me. I also recognize that the ¼ soul that I hold is no less necessary for a complete existence that the ¾ soul that she holds for me. We all have a percentage of another’s existence that we hold within us. Unfortunately, that percentage might not be held by the ones that we want or are with. That’s a smack in the face, eh?

Mushy, yeah … but I’m penning this for the one who fills the holes within my soul … the holes that were created for a reason ... the reason being that wholeness is obtained through lack and lack creates an appreciation for wholeness. Yeah, I lack much… I probably always will, at least on this planet, this time around … and I have lost everything, everything that I considered important and worthy of pursuit.

Nah, not really … I’m whole now. Not perfect, but whole. That ray of light that I clung to before the Noiseless Explosion has refracted, reflected and bounced around the cosmos just as my ray of light has done for millennia … Now, her lighthouse beacon has reunited with my penlight and together we can light the cosmos ….

Mushy, yeah. Heartfelt, most definitely. You see, a complete sense of self requires more than self because ‘self’ isn’t alone. The best part of me hates how I let the trash can get overstuffed while at the same time laughs at my lame jokes and tells me I’m handsome first thing in the morning.

The part of me that scattered during the Noiseless Bang knows that I’m as much a part of her as she is a part of me. The best part of me corrects me and feeds my inner adult when my outer child is a dumbass and in return, my outer child tells her clinched nerve-addled sphincter to lighten up …

My example is acutely personal. Yet, we all have within us a piece of another … all of us.

I don’t expect anyone to understand what I’m saying … that’s ok. I’m writing this for my better ¾. An early gift this Christmas. I give to her as a gift the full ¼ of my soul that makes her whole just as she has given to me the ¾ that I lacked. It's as if a galactic forensics team found two pellets of cosmic buckshot.

I’ve always love you, Pam. Always have, always will. Now, let’s examine that whole ‘Big Bang’ thing for a while … I think there was leather and latex in there somewhere … hehe … Ciao Bella.

1 comment:

  1. Hey Jeff. I love Pam. She's worthy of all of your mushiness. BUT, think of how great you must be to warrant the love of someone like her! Don't try to downplay it or be self-deprecating. That would only be an insult to Pam. You are worthy of every ounce of love you're shown. By Pam and all the others of us crazies who love you. Mushy, yeah. Heartfelt, most definitely.