Inspired by a Friend For My Children

2:41 AM. Wednesday, January 19th, 2011 ...

Here I am, once again sitting perpendicular to a computer. As I stare upon the screen, I contemplate words of wisdom that have been thrust upon me by those who not only appreciate my blogging rants and raves but also view my writings as helpful and hurtful to those who might read them.

I get it, I really do. I have voiced my opinions based upon pain that I hold close. I rant. I rave. I vent.

As a result, I have alienated those who I wanted to draw close.

I'm nowhere near being a man being worthy of admiration. When I open my mouth, I often say the wrong thing. When I create a new page on the computer, my fingers put forth feelings as they speed from my mind without regard to those who may be at the recieving end of those finger-peckings... It's the manic-depressive way...

Many times, my words are filled with verbage that hurt those who have hurt me. I have every right to express my feelings yet I can't place all of my hurt upon those who hurt me. I write to grow but I can't grow when I stifle the growth of those who have seemingly stifled my own growth.

There's a thought. I can't grow by heaping hurt upon those who have hurt me. I. Can't. Grow.

I have heaped damnation upon my children, my ex-wife and my ex-inlaws in order to accept myself. Yeah, they all discarded me as a result of my self-discovery ... rightly so. Hyprocisy is a fickle bitch ...

I will now do something that those who once loved me will never do...

Many of my writings have been defamatory due to my personal hurt. I write from the heart and I write in the moment. What I don't understand is the impact of the written word when read by those who are subjects ...

I will not apologize for my feelings. I do apologize to my children, Anna and Avery, for the way that I expressed my pain of rejection. Imagine being disowned by those you love the most for simply being who you are ...

Feelings are dangerous. Feelings are visceral and external. Feelings do not define a person. My feelings led me to write blogs such as 'Gimme Back My Rib, Dammit' .. but my feelings were pointed towards a moment in time.

You are not unlike me. You have hurt someone with words or actions. Somewhere, someone will never accept you as worthy of inclusion his or her life ever again. Is it something you said? Something you wrote? Something you did?

A simple belief might be the catalyst in separating you from your life.

Bottom line ... To my children, Anna and Avery, I apologize. You are both innocent. You are victims of a dissolusion of a marriage that I initiated. I'm not apologizing for my reasons for leaving your mother but I am apologizing for the way I did it.

I am also apologizing for publicly voicing my pain in your hatred of me. I don't hate you. I don't blame you for how you feel about me and my actions. I just ask that you give me a chance to be 'me' before you discard me.

I write as a form a therapy but some therapy should be kept in a locked cabinet. I'm not sorry for expressing myself. Yet, my outward expression of inner feelings towards the rejection of my own children is hard to resist when  writing.

Ok, so this sounds disjointed and awkward .. it is. I only want my kids to see me as human. I'm not perfect and I have certainly written things that exemplify my hurt .. but I love you nonetheless ...

What can I say?

Growth requires a separation of foundation and the unknown. Your foundation requires a  shaking of the unknown that I provide ...

Deep shit, eh? Think about it...