Gimme Back My Bullets, Dumb Ash

Religion has been the catalyst for many of mankind’s largest, and smallest, innovations, both for the better and for the worst. Out of man’s zeal for divine preference the world has experienced the horrors of the Inquisition, Crusades, Witch Trials, the Westboro Baptist Church and the 700 Club. On the flip side, religious dogma has also given people Hope, Faith, Charity and the other four dwarves at Six Flags.

 Fittingly, today we celebrate the day that a man from a foreign country landed on the shores of a foreign land, claimed that land in the name of his homeland, his God and summarily slaughtered the natives that wouldn’t convert to his brand of religion. A better snapshot of today’s America couldn’t have been taken by Columbus himself had he had a Polaroid.

 In a nation supposedly founded on the separation of church and state it sure as Hell seems as if every GOP candidate has his or her god’s backing. The G.O.D. of the G.O.P. is one judgemental S.O.B., apparently. Gotta love religion, eh?

 Now, to further complicate matters, a group of yahoos in Ally Bamma is challenging the traditional Christian belief in putting a lifeless body six-feet-under after the soul has departed. Thank god for yahoos. Although cremation has been around since, oh, the invention of fire, traditional Christian thought is that when Jesus returns to claim his flock one day the bodies of believers that once housed the soul are going to rise out of the ground and repopulate the earth. A scene surely reminiscent of the classic ‘Thriller’ music video.

 However, Clem Parnell and his partner down in Ally Bamma have spit on the grave idea and started a business stuffing loved ones burnt remains into shotgun shells. That’s right, there’s nothing as Christian as stuffing grandpa into a double-barrelled shotgun and blowing the head off of a darned whippersnappin’ trespasser.

 Of course, traditionalists are bristling at the ‘bodies in bullets’ idea. Why wouldn’t they? Imagine that, someone being killed by a bullet containing the cremains of a peace-loving follower of Christ. Plant tongue firmly in cheek as you re-read that. Even in death, the bodies of Christians will be responsible for violence and death in the name of their religious beliefs. Go figure.

So, on this hallowed Columbus Day holiday let us remember who discovered America (Amerigo Vespucci, by the way) and live by the mantra that has brought us so far so fast in a world of religious division: If you can’t beat ‘em, convert ‘em. And, if you can’t convert ‘em, kill ‘em.

God bless America and pass the ammunition.