Too Personal, but what the Hell

"My rope doesn't have a square knot tied at its end."

"My rope is greased with KY Jelly. I could have said Vaseline, but KY Jelly is more my style. It's a slippery slide down that rope, but, by god, at least it's pleasant."

"It's when you get to the end and there's no foothold that there is a slight problem. Can anyone relate?"

"I climb and climb but with every hand over hand advance, my feet slip and I fall a few inches lower than where I started."

These are words taken from the Dead Sea Scrolls. It seems the Essenes not only had the same problems, but that KY Jelly is older than we once thought. It was first mentioned in the Book of Harold by Mary Magdalene. Hell, it was found in a clay jar in a cave.

"And so, by my slickness of thighs and coolness of nether regions, I shall bless this ointment. I shall call it Kumbah Ya. From hence forth it will be known as simply, KY."

That's my religious stupidity for the night. However, it might have happened that way and I'm sticking by it.

Here is my day to day, minute by minute update on the Big Man's plan for me: If there is a bearded man with an agenda, his agenda includes me as a pawn meant for severe punishment.

How many of you can relate to never getting a break? Never getting ahead in life, despite your best efforts? How many of you know that you are meant for something other than what you are doing.... or being more than what you are, but can't seem to reach that rung on the ladder?

I've been trying since an early age but no one understood me. That's ok.
I went to art school where I had to dumb myself down with substances in order to understand what the public wanted. So be it.

Now, the KY theory has jumped back into the picture. Kumbah Ya.

Don't take this personally, but humans are absolute idiots. Four fifths of the male population think that KY is a gay man's condom. I laugh at that.

I found this week that I've done everything I can in this lifetime. I've lived, I've loved, I've loved unconditionally. But I've never made an impact or made a difference in anyone's life.

That's a bitter pill to swallow. I gazed upon my medicine cabinet today and realized I'll be here a little longer. My doctors aren't idiots. But I also realized that I do more harm than good. Kumbah Ya.

My wife is not happy. That's my fault. I've brought stress upon her. I didn't know it, but how could I not? I'm a fucked up individual. I see trees as numbers and feel the changes in the atmosphere.

I love my bebe, more than anything, but she sure deserves a better, more stable life,

No amount of KY Jelly can do that. At least not in he long term.

So, I'll do what I do. On a daily basis that isn't a constant. But I'll try and make my wife the happiest person alive. Because she believes in me when I don't. And I believe in her when she isn't at her finest.

And on occasion, I'll scrounge for the KY,

The 5 points to blogging.

Blog.

Suffer.

Apologize.

Not.

Suffering over.

Yelps from the Closet: Tick Tock. It's 50 'til.

Yelps from the Closet: Tick Tock. It's 50 'til.: In just under three months I will turn the corner. I'll be able to wheel myself out into the darkness and scream into the night, "I...

Tick Tock. It's 50 'til.

In just under three months I will turn the corner. I'll be able to wheel myself out into the darkness and scream into the night, "I'm fifty years old! I beat the odds!"

No, more likely, I'll walk out into the darkness, grasp the deck railing, look up into the sky and think to myself, "Jeff, you're fifty years old. What have you done with your life? What have you accomplished? Who have you helped?" Then, I will look down at my feet to see where I'm standing and come to the realization that I've done nothing to better myself, anyone or this world and the regrets will come flooding through me. Again. Yet on this one upcoming night, it will hold much more signifigance.

There's nothing really different to what I think to myself now, except for the fifty years old part. Sure, you say that fifty is the new forty. Fifty isn't old. I agree. But reaching fifty with nothing to show for it is a bit of an eye-opener.

I'm stuck in a strange professional and mental life in which I have no control at the moment. Mostly because I'm stuck with a mind over which I have little to no control. I have lost all bearings so many times and for all intents and purposes and just want to be done with. I've done it all, it seems.
Let me make this crystal clear, this isn't about my marriage. I love my wife, I wouldn't change that. Where we live, yeah. In a heartbeat. I have no place to call my own and in that regard, I'm floating, lost in others worlds.
When it comes to careers and jobs, there's nothing left that doesn't require an advanced degree (which I find ridiculous) that I can pursue. Ask me not what I've done, but what I haven't done.

I am trapped within my mind. Wanting to do something more, something meaningful. And held captive by the worldly thoughts of needing to work to bring in the moolah, the money. To be 'normal' and part of society. On the other hand, I resent that thought and avoid it whether I realize it or not. The things that one does that are meaningful rarely bring in the money. They 'normal' things make sure you get the latest fashions and maybe ensure that you drive a nice car but I won't die buried in a nice car although I do have my Nat Nast shirt picked out for the big trip to the otherworld.

If you haven't read my blog posts, let me fill you in on something. Money is a necessary evil but it isn't a means to happiness. Nothing in this world is free. Thank you 'free' enterprise. Ironic, isn't it? Especially when nothing on this planet had a dollar value attached to it upon creation. I don't recall anywhere every hearing or reading, "and on the ninth day, god created pennies.... and they multiplied and were fruitful."

Yet, I have to stay where I am. To prove a point, I suppose. I don't necessarily like that. Damn if it's not me or I'm on another path mentally. It's back to pretending. Pretending to be happy. Pretending that every little success is a great victory. When really, I don't give a shit. Why should I care when I'm no more important to the ones who ultimately financially benefit from my efforts than the next meal I scrounge for from Arby's? I'll be questioned over that comment. That's not what I meant, honey. Don't take everything personally.

But, I'll press on. I'll be a happy little camper. Until it's very apparent that I'm on another path and this camper took the road less traveled. That, of course, could happen next year, next month or tomorrow. I do what my mind tells me and what my mind tells me is usually tied to my instincts.

Maybe twenty good years remain in my bag of tricks. I read an article that stated that those with my special form of thinking... you know, the, psst, bipolar thing,... tend to live an average of 20 years less than 'normal' people. Usually, the reason for the truncated life expectancy is due to suicide. But, I'm no longer prone to that mindset. Although sure, I go to bed at night occasionally hoping to not wake up the next morning. But I made promises to people that I intend to keep. I'll push the limits, that's my nature, but I'll not do that stupid selfish type thing.

Twenty good years, give or take, to hopefully accomplish a few things. It's a bizarre feeling to look at life in that perspective until you look at your last twenty years and how quickly it passed.
I'm not being morose, I'm being realistic and pragmatic. I know that I have a lot to offer. I also have a lot of shoes. Size 9 and 9.5. If you want 'em, let me know and I'll add you in my will.

So what does twenty years hold? What about next year? Where will I be and what will I be doing? There are plenty of people who have that all mapped out. Good for them, suckers. Life doesn't work that way. And if they happen to trudge from day to day with the same routine, the same thing over and over and look at it with a sense of regret, we aren't that different. Except for one small thing. They choose their unhappiness and their adherence to a future that they feel they can't change.

I trudge from day to day with a mind that never stops seeing the unlimited options but can't seem to grasp any of them. Too much swimming around up there and too many opinions.

Fifty. Just under two months. Tick tock. Go ahead and think it's no big deal. Just don't tell it to me, or anyone who still has dreams.

Roll On, Rollercoaster

Let me start this blog with what I feel should be the Bipolar National Anthem:

The Bipolar life. I've embraced it for the most part. It's been good to me with the exception of causing me to lose everything. Kids. Money. Self respect and sense of worth.

All negatives have positives though. I gained my sense of self. My sanity. I learned what unconditional love really is. Hell, I learned what love really is. I re-gained a relationship with my parents and sister after many years. Something that I'll forever look at myself in the mirror, and after cringing, tell my brain, "Thank You," since it gave me quality time with my dad before he passed.

My earliest memory of depression is as a young child, in elementary school. I have no idea why I was depressed. At that age there is no reason to be depressed unless you've eaten your last crayon. Yet, I remember sitting on the stoop (it's a small porch, for you rich folks), and my dad comes out and sits beside me, stares straight ahead, puts his hand on my shoulder and simply says, "You seem sort of blue."
That's all I remember. The rest of my memories are mania-driven which may have been depression-inspired. That same day, I may have not jumped the ditch on my bike and it pissed me off when my friend was able to do it and so, it sent me into a downward spiral. I don't know.

Everyday is a rollercoaster ride. Some days, it's all uphill. Others, it's a series of ups and downs like the Scooby-Doo rollercoaster at Carowinds theme park. Up, down, right, right, sudden left and a short dip under a makeshift mountain. Then, up a little mountain then around a curve, another curve, then down a steep hill and up a short incline before a short straightaway.

You've just ridden the Scooby Doo rollercoaster at Carowinds. Save your money, you know what it's like. But, know that in my mind that ride is constantly taking on new riders nearly twenty-four hours a day.

Maybe you understand. Most likely, you have no clue. My goal in life is to provide those clues to those who do not understand the ones like me.
You see, I belong to an elite club. Einstein, Michaelangelo, Da Vinci, Newton, Hemingway, Van Gogh. All Bipolar. The list is impressive. The rollercoaster may have even been conceived by Da Vinci, who knows?

Their rollercoasters took them to greatness when it slowed to a stop. Mine is still taking a turn but there are great things on the horizon. And if not? Well, I've done great things in the past.... so I've been told.

Life is a ride of some sort. Short and fast or slow and steady. Neither is bad as long as the life has meant something to not you, the one living it, but to at least one who knew you and at least one who didn't.

So I end this blog with the song that will take me from this world one day. And I encourage you to listen to the words and take them to heart. Despite your rollercoaster, life is a lovely cruise.