Sunday, March 13, 2011

The Book of Fred - From the Westboro Baptist Church

It was discovered that a sacred text was smuggled out from the holy of unholies, the Westboro Baptist Church. Not to be confused with the Book of Life that most zealots espouse as being worthy of upholding, the chapter and verse revered by the WBC is considerered true and verifiable by the members of the congregation who are, oddly enogh, also considered verifiable. The book of Fred reads as follows:

These are the acts of Jesus as exibited in the WBC Book of John... Chapter Eight, Verses 2-11

"And early in the morning He came again into the Temple seeing dissention and all the people came unto Him; and He sat down, ordered a plate of grits and crispy turkey bacon and proceeded to teach them the difference between those worthy of acceptance and those worthy of God's 'other' kind of love."

"And the scribes (liberal media) and Pharisees (democratic government) and Phelpsians brought unto Him a woman taken in adultery; and when they had set her in the midst, after prying her lips from the phallus of a Wisconsin governor, They say unto Him, Master, this woman was taken in adultery, in the very act. Now Moses in the Law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest Thou?
"This they said, tempting Him, that they might have to accuse Him."
"But Jesus stooped down, snickered, and with His finger wrote on the ground, as though He heard them not. You see, Jesus was disaccociated with such petty things. So when they continued asking Him, He lifted up Himself, and said unto them, "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her". And again He stooped down, and wrote on the ground." Upon closer examination, it was seen that Jesus had written, "My daddy hates gays and really wants someone to hold mis-spelled picket signs."

"I'm not hearing anything" ... saieth the Lord. "You know why? Because, duh, I'm the only one without sin. I have first dibs, hand me a skimming stone, as they are best for skipping over the sinners."

"And they which heard it, being convicted by their own conscience, went out one by one, beginning at the eldest, even unto the last and handed Jesus their stone. And Jesus was left alone, and the woman standing in the midst."
"When Jesus had lifted up Himself, and saw none but the woman, He said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? Hath no man condemned thee?
"She said, No man, Lord."
"And Jesus said unto her, Well, I hold a rock which I earned for being without sin. I guess you're screwed." (John 8:2-11 WBCV)


I twisted the Bible verse no worse than the Westboro baptist Chruch twists the texts to suit their own purposes. These hate-filled espousers of faith and virtue have been granted the right to voice themselves despite the hurt and anger it causes those who it directly and indirectly affects.

Therefore, let me be the first, or thousandth, to invoke my right to freedom of speech and say that the Universe has a special place in a sucking black hole for those like Fred Phelps and his hypocritical ilk. I would never approach Freddy or his congregation with any intention of harm but I wouldn't cry if his God smote him in a fit of fury. I'd be first in line to picket and protest his funeral. Not because he was being buried, but because he was even concieved and doesn't deserve a plot of land in the earth that my feet trod upon.

I'm a bit perturbed by this man and his suckerfish ...


  1. I couldn't agree more - with all the natural disasters and those of the man made variety the last we need on this planet are hate-filled asshats like these 'people' over there. I am gonna wait for the smiting to begin....

  2. I am organizing a picketing of the WBC. There will be no limit to the amount of free speech on picket signs. Hatred, disdain and plain ol' disagreement is welcomed.

    Come one, come all. Let's show the WBC the same amount of 'hatred' that they feel are deserving of God's disdain.