Sunday, October 6, 2013

It's All Smart to Me. Really. No, REALLY.

I promised myself that I wouldn't write about politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the misguided funding of the Obama Healthcare law. All of which are ridiculous in their own right.

So, keeping true to my word, I will not elaborate on the politics or the inanity of the Republican party, the stupidity of the Tea Party or the misguided funding of the Obama Healthcare law. All of which are ridiculous in their own right.

Instead, there has been something gnawing at my brain like a gerbil chewing on a sunflower seed. Bling. Car bling. Today, I saw a car with eyelashes. Fucking eyelashes. Sure, it, was a SmartCar, but it looked like an idiot car. It looked like a whore car that you'd see at a garage late at night after one too many quarts of oil. In that case, that Smart Car would look good. It would look like a midget with big tits and soft hands.

But this isn't a car-driven world where that type thing is normal for most people. A few, yes, but they have their own web pages and they are quite disturbing.

On the road, cruising eastbound at 55mph, eyelashes flapping, a '67 Vette passes going westbound looks over and sees those eyes with those flappy lashes. That crisp, '67 Vette smirks and without a sputter says "pfffffyt....Smart, my ass, three-pronged whore."

Today, on a SmartCar I saw a decal that said 'Actual Size'. I have that same decal on my penis. I own a Harley that seats two people, has two saddlebags and a rear rack. So do most Smart Cars, except the saddlebags and rear rack come in the two front seats. Why? Why, oh why do people find these bastardizations of automobiles worthy of purchase?

Smart Cars aren't smart. They are death traps. You can't can't see them until they're under you. They should be made with small crucifixes as hood ornaments. Face it, have you ever seen anyone under 250 pounds driving one of these cars? They're not smart. A Volkswagen bus from the 60's is smarter. And cooler. You can light AND smoke a joint in a Volkswagen bus. In a Smart Car you can maybe fit a joint in the glove compartment. Even then, you have to light it with the positive and negative charges from your battery. Peace Out, dude.

And then, the *gulp* stick figure family.  Let me gather myself......

What possesses you people to begin a family of sick stick figures on your window that includes dogs, cats, horses, pigs, mothers-in-law and other inherited family? I'm curious because I see it everywhere. It's as if the family stick figure is a symbol of solidarity.

Riddle me this. What if you're single? Or divorced? Or, better yet, like me, what if your kids disowned you. What kind of stick figures do you have on your rear window then? For me, in my case, two stick figure kids with their arms held high behind them, hand in a stop sign motion with me, my stick figure, standing there with 'WTF' over his head.

C'mon lets get creative with these things. Forget soccer balls and doggies and kitty cats and the nuclear family. Let's make stick figure window decals for the real world. How about a pregnant daughter stick figure? A strung out son stick figure? And while we're at it, forget the whole mini-van thing. Let's put these things on '69 Camaros and old Impalas. Station wagons and conversion vans with shag carpet.

This brings me to one more thing. The dudes who wear fingerless driving gloves. Not just any fingerless driving gloves, but mesh fingerless driving gloves.
Just this week, on my way to church (yeah, right), a dude in a Mustang passed me on the right doing, oh, 80, in a 60 zone. His Mustang wasn't just any Mustang, it was a piece of shit Mustang. BUT, this dude had on mesh driving gloves and his hair was quite coiffed. Who wears driving gloves? I'll tell you who wears driving gloves.... Formula 1 racers, NASCAR drivers and rich fuckers who tool around in Maybachs and Lamborghinis on the weekends for fun. Not some douchebag in a 2003 Mustang.
However, I'm sure that with his gloves and Members Only jacket, he's quite the eye candy at the local AC Moore Craft Store.

These are just a few of my favorite things. Like in the Sound of Music.

Smart Cars.
Dumbasses in driving gloves.
Stick figures.

This is our world.
This is How I see it.

My dog looks at me in strange ways with his paws outstretched as if he wants to help.
I think he knows what I know.

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