I Have Bacon Bits In My Vanilla Ice Cream

Spank my stump and suck my toes, there are some mind-bending sexual fetishists running amok amongst us. It is fittingly appropriate to delve into the dark, furry underbelly of fetishes during the month of May, given that May is National Masturbation month. Let’s have a show of ‘hand’ from those who agree …

Most everyone with a praline or two in their plain vanilla sex lives has at least heard of bondage, tickling, golden showers and, thanks to Rex Ryan, coach of the New York Jets, foot worship. However, even those of us with a twisted mind and penchant for all things bizarre have never considered covering our nether regions with ants and crickets for a quick spurt of love. Neither have we entertained the thought of pumping the tailpipe of a 1987 Buick LeSabre. Yet, in all seriousness, there are those who entertain those thoughts and then act on those thoughts.
There is a sexual thrill to be derived from nearly anything imaginable. From amputees to vampires, from chicken suits to balloons, from feet to trees. Oh, lest we forget midgets. For many, if not most, there are no limits when it comes to boner enhancement and the elusive ‘O’.

Granted, some of these fetishes are repulsive, many are simply odd and a handful beyond comprehension. There is no doubt that some of the more bizarre fetishists amongst us are clearly worthy of psychological evaluation. Yet, who are we to judge? Hell, most all of us are poster-children for the benefits of electroshock therapy. But unless unprotected sex with a LeSabre creates a baby VW Bug and no crime is committed or person or animal harmed in the name of Splooge then why not go with the flow and allow everyone their diapered fun.

Yet, as one considers practicing one or more of these sexual thrillrides, keep this in mind ...

When it comes to sex, folks are bizarre.

Just ask the guy who’s humping his car.

But whatever you do, please don’t forget:

The video will end up on the Internet.


Now, excuse me, I must take my leave. May is now half over and I have a lot more celebrating to do.