Monday, October 25, 2010

Deep Water and Holy Sharks

And YayYah! I say to the masses ... As I pass through the shadow of the valley of the absurd I saieth, "Come ye brethren to the land of the living! Pass by the devices of the soul-less ... thy phallic-shaped controls of the devil that can take the simple from HD to 3D with the press of a button ... all in surround sound!" Let me get an 'A', man. An 'A' for astute ... an 'A' for aware ... and thou shalt also get an 'A' man. Placeth your hand upon thy chest and feeleth your heart beat. Ladies, placeth your hand upon your breast and send me an email with exactly what you feel ... spare no detail ... it's for the betterment of your soul, afterall. Do you feel anything? That's the divine within you speaking and begging thou to turneth away from the influence of the inane.

YayYah! FEEL the divine! And the Divine saieth, "There are no eyes of a needle ... there are no virgins... not since the 1950's." And the Divine elaborated and said, "Didn't you watch Leave it to Beaver? and....."

 Whoa, whoa, whoa! .... hold on ... wait. Wait just a daggone second there, heathen.

Great ... not you again. Who you callin' a heathen? Did I crumple the tin foil on your heavenly space helmet again?

How dare you even consider that the Divine One is within you? That's just wrong and a sin. First, you ate too much tonight. That's a gluttony sin. Then, you said, 'Shih Tzu'... There's a naughty word in there, that's sin number two. Now, you're claiming that the Divine is part of you? You are SO damned. Jesus hates you.

You said, 'Damned'. You're cursed as a sinner. You're gonna burn too, hypocrite.

You and me both ... crap. We're in the same body and mind. I guess we're both fucked, eh? Forgive me, I can't believe I said that. You are a bad influence.

Lemme ask ya somethin'. righteous one. Why must you and your brethren be so black and white? You are all like a bank of two-ton steel doors surrounding a nuclear fallout shelter packed with the paranoid and uninformed.

Only the chosen few will meet Jesus.

I'm thinkin' that Jesus is gonna be in a hotspot like ... oh, Studio 54 in it's heyday, and a burly angel with a bondage fetish is gonna cut you off with the click of a velvet rope when you get to the door. "Too much of a prudish prick", he's gonna say. "Sorry, the J-Man has a policy ... no hypocrites allowed."

No. I'm a believer. I read my Bible. I work at the shelters during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I am voting along Tea Party lines. I am holy and saved and need to spread truth to the uninspired so that even if they won't be sitting beside me at the right hand of God, they have a chance of sneaking in the back door.

Uh, you're not doing yourself any favors. Why the hell are you even in my head? oh yeah .. programming and expectations. I want you to stick around though.. you provide inspiration for reason.

You're doomed, sinner. Jesus would throw rocks at you if he were here. He'd stone you with love, but you'd die for your evil words. I say that with a smile.

This is my conundrum ... I understand your mindset, self. I've been you. I've had your subjective, narrow views of the world, humanity and what is right and wrong. You just keep hangin' around to pester me but now, the pestering serves a positive purpose. Having seen life through your slanted eyes I can debate with an objective mind. Oh yeah, you're mis-;eading and full of shit .. not to mention hate, bias and judgement. I get it .. I was there, I was you. I AM you. But that part of me .. you ... is as consequential as a fart in the wind during a hurricane. I don't feel it, smell it or give a crap because what is real and evident is taking place around me as if I'm a blade of grass in a Dyson Ball vacuum.

You're damned. You're a sinner. You'll never measure up to be worthy of Jesus and his gift of salvation. Sinner. I'll pray for you ... really, I will. Right after Dancing With the Stars and the Joel O'Steen Hour. Hallelujah.

Do that. I'm gonna watch Cops and hope I don't see myself. Then, I'm gonna take a moment to gaze upon my soulmate as she sleeps ... Souls are fluid, self. Souls are timeless. Life is fleeting but deception shortens joy. Crap, America's Dumbest Drivers is on truTV .. Danny Bonaduce and Leif Garrett give that Tonya Harding a hard time. Her Pharisees, so to speak.

You're going to Hell. 

See ya there.

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