Thursday, November 4, 2010

Can I borrow a Dime?

This is not a post for the masses... or maybe it is, or should be anyway. Before you decide to delve into my ramblings it is adviseable to ponder the the following ... you know, to protect yourself from any sore toes or bruised feelings that might arise as a result of what you read.

*Disclaimer - The above mentioned warning and advisory statement does not imply in any way, shape or form whatsoever that I, the writer, give two shits or a million damns if said toes or feelings are bruised. Any discomfort experienced as a result of perusal beyond this point is a direct result of reader's own innate dissatisfaction with self colliding with reader's conformist views of life, society and its projected expectations.

I must preface the following slant by mentioning that the majority of my revived spirit and renewed mind can be directly attributed to a wonderful condition I continue to survive with ... bi-polar disorder. Not the namby-pamby "oh, I feel a little depressed, where's the ice cream?" or "gee, I'm energetic.. I think I'll vacuum" variety of Bi-P disorder but the really fun 'Where's my boot knife? I'm going to the bar" and "Only two sleeping pills? No, I can't really sleep unless I take nine" and "Hey officer, when did you re-paint the holding cell?" strain of manic-depressive disorder. Bi-Polar 1, with Rapid Cycling is the clinical term. I prefer to use the word "crazy." Most with the condition will cringe when addressed as being crazy but I embrace the word like a daddy duck holding mallard eggs.

*****  So, that being said, if you believe that we are actually in a 'war' in Iraq or Afghanistan, you may want to stop reading now. If you believe that Jesus is the 'only way' to salvation, heaven or God, you probably should stop reading now. If Sarah Palin, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Jesse Jackson or any number of religious or political talking heads define a single personal belief that you hold sacred, definitely stop reading now. If your job, career, money, car, or house defines who you are, go now. Quickly.

Oh yeah, and if your life revolves around your children. You will hate me. I don't have a problem with anyone's hatred towards me personally, but Jesus might. So, you may want to consider saving your nice toes for a Sunday afternoon stroller-push through the mall after dropping your ten-spot in the collection plate.

****** Anyone who knows me and many who don't might have the idea that I'm firmly opposed to the concept and practice of organized religion. The truth is that I'm not biased against any one faith in particular. I think that they are all human creations based on a particular individual's own quest for meaning and answers about the unknown. It's too bad that religions have evolved into methods of controlling the populace through percieved God-given laws, directives and rituals. That being said, I want to talk about something that chaps my ass more than skinnydipping on a Louisiana 10W-30-colored beach on a windy sand-blown day....

Money. Dinero. Moolah.

.... and to help illustrate my ass-chappedness I'm going to use a familiar verse from one of the Great Bearded One's handbooks for the gullible, er, faithful, the Bible, the People's New Testament edition, no less. I'm fairly certain that every religion's instruction manual has a similar sentiment but I'll stick to the southern snake-handler's version for simplicity's sake. Why they still call it the "New" testament when it's ancient is still beyond my comprehension, but that's a topic for another day... This verse is from 1 Timothy 6:10 and goes a little somethin' like this ... cue the organ music, please ...

"For the love of money is the root of all evil. Not the money itself, which if used as by a steward of God is a blessing, so much as the love of it. This greedy love is the source of every sin. Men murder, cheat, lie, rob, run saloons, gambling houses, brothels, all for the love of money. For love of money Judas sold his Master."

We all want it, the green stuff. The more the better, no less. I've been on both sides of the denominations ... much like my experience with religion .... I was lost and now I'm found, except in reverse. I was a faithful follower of the money machine which is organized religion until I lost my mind and gained my life. In comparison, I've had a bulging wallet and I've also had a sucking, vacuum of a black hole in my back pocket. Funny things, religion and money. I'm beginning to suspect that it was a single, insecure asshole with a need to compensate for a lack of penis size, height or intelligence that created both religion and money. On the third day the same bastard created politics which was quite a simple task as politics are fueled by both money and religion.

I understand that money is a necessity. Society dictates that in order to stay fed, clothed, warm and alive, each of us must have a bit of the stuff at hand. I myself have a newfound respect for currency. Not having it forces a person to gain a newfound appreciation. I'm fortunate that I have lived a rather cushy lifestyle until recently and wanted for very little, if anything at all ... as far as material possessions and the luxuries money can provide are concerned. However, circumstances have requested I experience a slight polar shift, hell, reversal, in my financial holdings. That means that basically my holdings fit into one hand, like two rolls of quarters. I'm not angry with my own circumstances... I'm experiencing life and that is what matters. What DOES anger me is the constant, overwhelmingly present pursuit for the almighty dollar by seemingly everyone from a kid selling lemonade to Jesus and his command to "Give, Give, Give. We need a Family Life Center at Main Street Baptist Bank and Trust."

This theme cuts deep in life. Nowhere has the evil influence of money been more obvious than in the outward expressions of disappointment and disdain shown to me by my own children. They have it, I don't. That's ok. I would rather be myself and penniless than bankrupt in the aspect of love and emotion.

Ha! Fuck that! I want both and so do you. I want to retain the sense of self I have found due to my mental switch being thumbed to the 'on' position AND reclaim the joy of being able to walk into Nordstrom and buy a pair of $200 jeans that accentuate my bird legs and no-ass. However, it seems that the ability to accumulate an abundance of non-degradeable linen in my wallet decreases despite the preponderance of intellect within my noggin.

Why? Because the love of money is evil. The need for money is human. I'm human but I'm not evil. Certain individuals might take issue with the 'non-evil' aspect of my claim, but hey, it takes one to know one, so there. I stick my tongue out to those and extend a raspberry and .. why not? I fart in their general direction. Pfffttt ...

Think for a moment ... is there a moment of your day that in some way does not involve a thought or mention or consideration of finances? Seriously, think. Put down the breast pump and think. (I'm assuming that my readers are large-breasted, lactating women with a few spare moments between changings and feedings). I can't even go to the 7-11 and fill my low tire on my car without pumping seventy-five cents into a machine that will give me .. air. Air. I pay for air. So do you. How fucked is that? Someone is making money every time you pull away from the pump after checking your pressure with a faulty gauge. I hope that God is getting a cut of that action. Of course, if the Bearded One is not getting his share I have a feeling that the air-pump owner is gonna enter Heaven with broken kneecaps or an unpardoned sin or two.

It's all about the Benjamins. And, it's unfortunate. It wasn't always this way. Ok, ok .. yeah, money and priviledge have always provided the few with the most that will control the masses. Haves and Have-Nots ... yada yada yada .. I get it. But at what point do we become aware that nickels weren't scattered throughout the cosmos in the beginning?

I'd like to travel back in time to meet the hairy neanderthal that forged the first piece of currency. I'd first like to ask his motivation ... surely he, or she, was the first landlord, banker and politician. This is the semi-primate that urged Grogula to pursue payment for his 'flint to stone' spark-making technique. I'm fairly certain that a distant relative is claiming that all rights to fire-making techniques are inherent and copyrighted with restitution payable backdated to Grogula's initial discovery. As a matter of fact, Jesse Jackson and Al Sharption will form an alliance to ensure that anyone who has evey struck a match or flicked a Bic will owe money to someone who, most assuredly, will be traced back to their own ancestry.

Money. I like money. I want money. We all want money. Money provides comfort and joy, just like the Christmas carols promise. Really, money is just as valuable as food, water, air and sex, right? A natural element of human existence, right? Can you buy Chef Boyardee Lunch Buckets without money? Can you fill your tires with air without a nozzle? Can you live without Dasani? How did the ancient cultures such as the Egyptians and Romans, for example, contine to thrive without air, water, food and lunch buckets? They didn't. But, the treasures they fought for, accumulated and died for sustained them so that they could be examples of wealth and prosperity ... hold on ... I've just been told that those empires imploded due to circumstances related to .... nevermind.

Go for the gusto. Mammon waits for no one. Jump in and take what is falling from the sky because that is what Jesus, Mohammed, Xenu, Fred Phelps and Republicans exclaim to be your inheritance. Moolah.

Can I borrow twenty bucks? My ex needs money to buy my son a new pair of sneakers. It's only natural.

1 comment:

  1. I agree with 90% of this. When I chose to work where I am currently employed, I knew it would mean taking a 28% pay cut and giving up a lot of things I thought I could not live without. Surprise! I can very easily live without them. And it breaks my heart to see the "Christians", both on TV and off, offering prosperity and happiness in exchange for a monthly offering. Churches do need the money of their congregants - they are non-profits after all. But, if they are a church acting as Jesus commanded, they are giving that money away or using it to help the least of us. And there are lots of churches out there that are doing just that. I guess I'm just grateful that I go to one that is completely disorganized! We don't even have enough savings in the bank to cover one month's worth of expenses. Why? Because we spend it on people who need it.

    I wish more people had access to your musings. They are relevant to all of us. And those of us who think your words don't apply to them are the ones who would benefit most from chewing on them for awhile.

    I think I like you better now that you've come out of the crazy closet, by the way. ;)